Cheers 2013!

It's already the last day of the year.

Though I don't jump on the new year partying bandwagon or love the fireworks enough to freeze my toes off this time around, I do usually reflect on how the year did go at some point. Today, I especially took the time out to head to Starbucks to finish a gift card I received earlier and to write out my reflections and thanksgiving praises to God.

I realize there wasn't anything that stood out in particular, actually I take that back, at least not in the moment that I was reflecting, but now that I'm blogging, I realized that most people would consider finishing their degree and as of now, school!, organizing a flashmob, and heading to the Big Apple for an internship -especially this last one, a highlight. All these things were 'one-off'' moments, but I found a huge aspect to this year was growth-spiritually, physically, socially, distantly (yes, that is actually a word), and professionally as I started the transition between school and work.

There were times that literally teared me apart emotionally, and times that drew me closer to God more than ever as I made myself surrender my vulnerabilities into His supreme and subtly unknown goodness. I feel I've gained confidence in my social skills, went beyond "comfort zone" walls, and at times changed like a chameleon in order to adapt to my surroundings and those I interacted with. I found myself head deep in my passions, lost myself to doubt, been frustrated with my struggles, praised my talents, counted my blessings, desired more despite content in my circumstances, and realized that I never really do have it together or can hold everything together... because I am not the one to do that, God is and does and forever will.

My social environments has evolved quite a bit, friends moving for work, friends drifting apart, friends getting engaged, getting married, rekindling old friendships, bonding deeper with relatively new friends, family broken, family reconciling, deaths, life, old, new, feelings of loneliness, feelings of joy, living through past memories, dreaming of future moments, it's been quite the year.

With a new year coming, and knowing myself way too well, I already have some plans up in the new air. I don't think everything will go as plan, and if it works to my favour (as in God's will), it probably won't. Rereading my resolutions last year reminded me of how ambitious and uncommitted I can be after a while, so this year, I've even written a disclaimer to the goals I hope to achieve alongside the Golden ones I have since turning twenty-two. I'm still on this journey of discovering much, and much will stay unknown, though I do know that it's never ending so I will have to settle for what much will make of it.

Here's to 2014 with Love.

It's like meeting you for the first time again...

A little over a month ago, I got into a car accident. This isn't my first collision, but it was definitely the worse in terms of damage. In terms of emotion though, I was in a state of unexplainable peace despite the initial shock and compared to my my previous collision reactions, I was very calm.

How did it happen? Ice on the road, couldn't stop in time and bad judgement in steering reaction time. It was that first and worst blizzard warning snow storm one Saturday night mid November.

Am I okay?  Yes. A definite yes.

Was my car okay? Yes... and then a no. Definite no.

Due to the looming darkness late Winter afternoons, it was hard to tell that there was any damage to my car other then scratches. Once all the information exchange was finished with the other party (which took brutally long, a story for another time), I made the longest drive home ever from 97Street northbound towards my house, which usually takes 5 minutes or less.

I didn't know that my front right wheel axle had twisted from the accident and so driving home I heard a loud screeching sound, as if a metal part was scraping against my wheel the whole drive home and at any moment it could've punctured it and my car would've been lop-sided. Yes, what a worst case imagination I had, but to be honest, I felt so vulnerable and scared in that moment that something as such was plausible. The whole way, going probably 5-10km/hr with hazard lights on the whole time and a frightened soul, I was desperately praying for God's angels' armies to bring me home in one piece, I was so close, yet it felt terribly far.

Praise the Lord that I came home safe, and when an Uncle came to check on my car, it was without a doubt a miracle that had got me back, as the wheel was near its impending death.

As such, this month has put me back on public transport, car pooling, and adjusting to others' schedules so I could get dropped off at the place I need to be from time to time. It's interesting how God works to teach me big life lessons, I was complaining a month or so earlier about lending my car to my Uncle visiting, and this incident showed me so much more than just sharing and being considerate of others, besides all the other stuff that happened this past month.

Yesterday, my car finally got fixed, and today, I drove it. It was odd climbing into my car since the last time I was scared for my life in it. I said a prayer of thanks and safety and went on my way.

It sure did feel like meeting my car for the first time again, as cheesy as that sounds.

Drive safe bloggers!

Surprise of the Week

In recent years, I've been yearning to learn how to swim. You may call it a deprived childhood or easy going parents, but complaining about swimming lessons in grade two led my mom to withdrew me from swimming lessons after passing level I.

I never had a fear of water, or so I thought, but little things about public pools did irk me. Bacteria, babies/kids peeing in the pools, the idea of so many bodies sharing one big tub (how could germs not be passed around??) and so on and so forth. But why let my fears stop me?

So finally, I decided that during this 'Golden' year of mine, I had to learn how to swim. I think one major reason I have this urge to become a swimmer was so I could learn to do water sports (ex. scuba dive, long board), and it definitely does not make sense for one to accomplish that without knowing how to swim first.

However, when I finally browsed lessons online and made multiple calls regarding adult classes, I found that the most affordable and practical option for me was filled up quickly. I was put on the first waiting list and never got a call, got put on a second waiting list a couple of weeks ago and was fifth, so I didn't think I would have a chance.

Well, obviously since I'm writing this blog, I miraculously got in! I received a call from an unknown number on Tuesday during work that I was hesitant to pick up, but thank God I did because a spot had opened up for me for the following day. I didn't expect this to happen so even though I took the spot, I wasn't prepared at all to learn to swim as excited as I was to even have a spot. On my break, I bought a swim suit and after work, I researched neccessities for swimming (I honestly haven't been in a pool for so long), got goggles the next day so I don't infect my eyeballs wearing contacts, and drove myself to my first lessons in ages.

Once changed and showered, I enter the pool area to see groups of kids and teens learning to swim. I saw adults in the hot tub, and lineup of parents watching their kids from the viewing area, but where were the adult lessons? I felt out of place (I felt old basically) and then a friendly lady approached me and assumed I was in the same class, and I was. Fast forward and it turns out that I'm the 'youngest adult' in the group, technically I am an adult, but being in a class with parent-age adults made me feel like their child.

Anyhow, I had a great time learning to float, glide, and even attempt some strokes, although I am in need of practice. My swim-mates were friendly and I actually had a lot of fun from learning to blow bubbles to just being in the water.

Best moment of the night: one fellow student, a father-like-age was like " I can't stick my ass up" when learning to back float... I couldn't help but chuckle and laugh on the inside. Our swimming instructor was like, "you mean your butt". HAHAHA

Anyhow, that's my (beginner) swimming story.

Like Dori's mantra from Finding Nemo, "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming..."

Reunions Schmunions

Two weeks ago I had surprised family in town. When I say "surprised", it was literally a phone call the day before telling my family to expect them the next day.

Here's the short version of the story.

My uncle who use to live in Cali moved to China for work, has a family there, and the family of five flew to the States earlier this Fall so they could get green cards to better the kids' future and have a better education and all. They've been wanting to visit us across the border and tickets were quite expensive for a while, but with the temporary shutdown of the US government and other interferences, they decided to come up earlier than they had planned on a relatively cheap deal they found.

Twenty-four hours later they've arrived and I see my dad side almost everyday (and almost every dinner), for like 6 nights straight. For me, this was quite unusual as other than birthdays, the extended family hardly comes together. When we do see each other, conversations are surfaced level and short and the sense of 'family' seems distant. Having my uncle in town meant that all my grandma's kids were in one place and that is definitely a rarity. The last time this reunion on my dad's side occurred was seven if not eight years ago for my auntie's wedding. Not only that, but this uncle is the eldest, and as Chinese tradition goes, my granny didn't show it, but I knew she was definitely ecstatic to have her eldest son and all her other children and newest additions of grandchildren in one place.

One thing I love about Chinese (or Asian) etiquette for that matter is the willingness to treat (and even fight for the bill) as all the siblings of my uncle took turns treating the family out each day. I think this is a strong value to have as it's a simple way to show affection and respect to another person/family/friends. With the whole "Going Dutch" version of paying these days (splitting the bill), it feels like the higher significance of treating another person beyond its monetary value has been lost.

For me, I have to admit that I initially felt annoyance to the arrival of my Uncle as the possibility of having to share my room (read all about my previous initial selfishness here), lend my car, and rework my schedule to be accommodating was not something I was looking forward to, especially when I was in the middle of my nine day streak of work. I really just wanted things to go my way! Wow, I do sound so self centered there...

Anyhow, things went better than I thought as they always do (PTL!). I didn't have to give up my room, my uncle and his family had rides provided for them each day, and I actually wanted to make time in my busy crazy schedule to spend with my uncle's family. Personally, I had my initial reservations about my uncle, but turns out, God really changed my heart to display love and care to this side of my family. Why be bitter when I had less than a week to cherish this blood bond?

Lord, help me be more self sacrificing.


P.S. I also survived my nine day streak, but another one (and longer) is just right around the corner... I don't know how I get myself into this.

Self Care

I had lunch with some friends after church a few weeks ago and was asked what I do for 'self-care'. In other words, what do I do to keep myself healthy, relaxed, stress-free, and perhaps even sane in between the busyness of work, school, and other commitments I may have. I think I gave a brief and random response about fitness or something related to my hobbies, I can't pinpoint exactly, but I knew that response wasn't a complete one.

I've come to realize that I'm actually not that great in the self-care department. You know the cliche, "when the going gets tough, the tough gets going?" well I kind of feel like that. I just suck up everything I need to do or face and keep on going. I do reflect and share with others what I'm going through, but I'm so driven by means of "doing" that I neglect to set aside time to just do nothing or be at peace with my situation and give time to ponder-think-reflect some more before rushing onto my next item of attack.

I mean, there will always be things to do, but I know achieving a tranquil balance is just as important, if not more.

Something for me to work on in the days to come.

Teen-Rage

I was standing there in complete and utterly speechless thoughts to what I had signed myself up for.

Did I actually sign myself up for this?

The sight was out of my mind nuts. Girls running around in circles on an invisible engine of energy that seemed endless, boys grabbing handfuls of chips at a time as if their ultimate goal of the night was to eat up the snack table, and both sexes rushing to hoard as many sugar loaded jelly sticks as they could before they were directed to settle down and listen in an orderly fashion.

Was it too late to not commit to this anymore I asked myself. Maybe it was not being in the shoes of a teen for so long that finding myself at the focal point of it all turned my panic mode on. Or perhaps I was still  holding onto some annoyance from the previous weekend working at Grad Expo and having to assist needy teenage girls, but I couldn`t believed how overwhelmed I was.

When I had inquired about serving the junior high fellowship, it was because there was a need for female leaders for this new program starting called Youth Alpha I thought was pretty neat. Partly feeling obligated due to the need, partly acknowledging how critical leaders were to me when I was a teen, and partly clueless that my inquiry had turned into a commitment, God knew all along what my next twelve Saturday nights would be spent doing.

I don`t know if this is funny to you or not, but I find God has quite the sense of humor putting me in this situation. Initially I was very eager to serve and excited to share my spiritual experience with the young girls at a time where establishing their identity and foundation in Christ is so significant, praying for wisdom in these weekly sessions that I would lead, and that God would work in them and transform their hearts. However, I couldn`t believe that in a complete instant, I had changed my mind upon observing this group of hormone raging youth.

WAIT, there`s a turning point though.

I sucked up my predicament and decided that instead of feeling distant and incompetent in this role, why not join them in their fun and just trust my guts that this night won`t be madness?

And surprisingly, it wasn`t.

As if God sense my utmost exaggeration of teenage peril, the night was more smooth sailing than I ever thought it be post teen-rage storm. The first episode of youth alpha was engaging and cool to even my not-so-teen standards, and the questions and discussions stirred was deep and unexpectedly open and honest beyond my comprehension. I even felt like I had to learn from these girls and to change my approach in leading them these next few months.

On my drive home, I praised the ultimate one and decided to stick with my initial thoughts as it`s not me, but Him whose in control of all things and I am but a tool in His hand. I`m looking forward to what God has in store for us, and to see how these youngsters are going to grow in the next eleven sessions.

Please pray for them, and me to survive. Not kidding.  

say What?

I can and can't believe it's October already.

I can believe it because even though I'm not in the shoes of a student, never did I thought that my work experience as a special events intern would keep me so preoccupied-physically, mentally, at work and even at home. I have classmates in similar situations that feel the same way and I justify it partly from the pressure we feel to make a good impression, despite the pass/fail requirement to receive credits and progress along towards graduation. Another part, a realization of what is expected in the "real" world, that's why its called work experience right?!

On a positive note, I am learning immensely about my role and even more than I ever did in New York because I am actually responsible over projects and have "authority" to an extent in making my own judgement about how and what it is that is to be done, not just assisting. The realistic aspect makes me question if I am wanting to do this in the long run. It's still too early to make an all encompassing judgement, but I know one major burden I feel is not being able to go to church Sunday mornings due to a good handful of events falling on that day of the week. Initially, I had plans to find an evening night church, but there actually aren't that many in Edmonton north, and one thing I dislike about work life is how drained you are by the end of the day that you just want to sit and stare at a screen.

I had more than succumbed to this couch potato behavior in NYC despite the hypes of the Big Apple. I mean, I was tired from a long day at school when I was a student, but working is a totally different story-at least for me. I'm thankful to be living at home right now and be able to come home to food already made as I can relate to the syndrome of not wanting to cook after a long day at my internship in NYC (thankfully I had awesome roomies!).

This explains the lack of blogging, and me being M-I-A these past few weeks. I'm actually acknowledging the consequences of this obviously as I find that circumstances where I'm usually patient and am able to discipline myself in have fallen short; this past weekend, I felt my attitude was especially nasty about certain things. Needless to say, I definitely know the perks of being in a spiritual community and plugging myself into a family of believers consistently.

So I can't believe its already October because I feel like I haven't done much but work between my practicum and my part time. I did make some 'golden' goals for myself this year that I've started, but other than that, I find myself not being as efficient as I like in my spare time. I don't miss the work load of a student, but I do miss running into people on campus and even lingering to have a quick chat. At work, your main focus is on your tasks, and your network is limited to work relationships which makes it hard to keep up with friends who are still in school.

Well, that was a brief update on what went down in September, hopefully it won't be another month until I blog again.

I hope you're all doing well!

In Figuration Mode

It's hitting me that I'm not returning to school this semester. I was so excited to be school free of lectures, papers, exams, and stress that I didn't even realize that I've been returning to school every September since I turned five. Now, seventeen years later, its quite surreal that I'm not preparing my backpack, buying any school supplies, or even taking public transit.

Instead, I'm balancing a part time schedule with the last component of my degree, a sporadic 200 hour practicum that will take me to December. After that, I hope I will have at least a short term career plan figured out, or else I will be in a post graduation phase of what my friend likes to call "fun unemployment".

Since September rolled around, I've been feeling quite lost and confused. My internship in New York was an eye opening and hands on experience into the fashion industry that I would've never been exposed to in wee little Edmonton. However, I'm definitely more hesitant and indecisive than ever. It's ironic how much I've always wanted to move away when trapped here by the limitations of school and family, and now that I've been "freed" to decide for myself where I want to live and work, I'm left without an answer for myself. I know transitions always take adjusting, and I don't believe it to be one of those times again as I wrote here when I felt like I went through a quarter life crisis, but major life decisons never come easy for me.

Perhaps its the fear of making a wrong move, or the reality of being far away from family and friends and the city I've been born and raised in, or just unsure what I want to do and where that may be. I'm really glad I have this term away from school to do some hefty research and figure out what's next? because I honestly don't have an answer. It's making me draw near to God and pray for him to open up a door of opportunity for me to step into, but if it was that obvious, I'm sure I put up a good fight debating on alternatives, even though I know God knows best.

I really just want to know where I will be, what I will be doing, and  possibly even who I will know or be around. I guess there's no point rushing since I have the rest of my life to work, but not knowing makes me question myself way too much. Maybe this time next year, I will be laughing at myself over this blog at how preoccupied I am over this matter when all the answers were revealed to me in just a matter of time...

At least this is what I hope will happen.

Home-Less

Before I left New York, I wanted to give back to the community as I've been abundantly blessed with insight and experiences while living and working there. So when a volunteer opportunity came up at the church I've been attending, I jumped on the idea without hesitation.

Well, the hesitation actually came later on as this was an event to reach out and invite the homeless to a BBQ the church was having in a nearby park. I've done the Mustard Seed back home before, so I didn't think this would be too hard or uncomfortable, but I was wrong.

After a quick orientation after service, we were split up into groups with a leader who is part of the homeless outreach ministry at this church. I found out that every Sunday morning before service, this ministry goes out to talk and engage with those that are homeless in the area where the church resides. I was quite surprise that they did this so early on a weekly basis, but also humbled by their heart to do so. So each group was given a map and a designated area to "find" homeless people and invite them to this BBQ we were having later in the day. FYI, the area the church is in is Upper West NYC, a relatively rich area near the Ivy League school Columbus and the famous music school Julliard. Thus, the sight of homeless people wasn't as obvious as say Midtown or Times Square where tourists are abundant.

Going through this process of seeking and confronting homeless made me realize my lack of awareness and all the stereotypical judgements I had of the less fortunate. When I first observed my leader approach a homeless person, I questioned why she was being so bubbly and over-the-top happy as I felt like that would turn people away from her, but I soon realized that it wasn't how she was communicating, but how I wasn't comfortable doing what she was doing. She would always introduce herself first and put her hand out for the homeless person to shake and give her their name, but when it came to my turn, I had my hesitations.

Hesitant because I felt like they were dirty and unclean and by shaking their hand, I would be dirty. As quickly as this thought came up, I felt terrible because I was reminded that I'm not any better as a person just because I'm well washed and clean. I was totally judging on this person I hadn't even met because of their exterior and physical image. How ignorant and shallow was I? But once I shook their hand, a revelation had set fire in my mind that they're probably more scared than I was. It's  probably rare for people to talk to them like this, let alone shake their hand; they probably thought they were more unworthy than I was thinking of them.

As the BBQ neared, we were able to find and invite more homeless people than we thought. Some didn't care for what we had to say, others blew me away with their bible knowledge and were eager to share stories. I will never forget this one African American that came out to the BBQ. He's from Harlem and has been a New Yorker for fifty years. He's literally a walking GPS of the city, from street names to where all the buildings are. Not only was his knowledge impressive, he had a great sense of humor and interacted with everyone at the church like friends. There was no difference talking to him versus conversing with any other new acquaintance. I was also very impress with the church members present and their interactions with the homeless as if they did this all the time. I felt bad for his situation, but also glad that there is help available for him. He broke off all the naive thoughts and stupidity I had of the homeless and towards the end, those of us chatting with him asked him to take a photo with us. What he said next to us was utterly inhumane,

"I'm glad you guys asked for a photo and not like those reporters/media that just take photos of me and next thing you know it ends up on the front of the newspaper..."

Needless to say, I'm so thankful I got to have this opportunity to serve. It was more than giving back, and more than community service. I got to step out of another level of my comfort zone and make myself vulnerable to those I walk by daily and never took the time to stop and care for.

Please send a prayer for the homeless population of NYC.

Golden

I've been looking forward to turning twenty two on the twenty second of August for as long as I can remember. I don't know why, but turning the age of your birth-date seemed pretty cool to me, perhaps that's why its called the "golden" one huh? I guess it was sort of golden turning a year older on the plane ride home for the first time and seeing the Northern lights right before landing. Though, I am quite tired and overwhelmed with the quick transition of being back in Edmonton.

I mean, I felt ready to come home before even leaving New York, and I honestly didn't mind the delay I had on the plane ride back, but my mind feels bombarded with so many people, places, and issues going on in my ahead right now. Maybe its jet lag, or I'm getting a bit delirious from coming back to so many surprises, but I'm slightly not at ease with being home. And its for this reason that I don't feel I'm turning another year older today (that is until I renewed my drivers license and finally replaced the photo of my fifteen year old self, woot! plus finding out that I actually grew taller over the past  6 1/2 years yay?!).

My mind was so preoccupied that I had even forgotten a year long commitment I had made on my twenty first birthday had ended. There's just so much going on and I wish I got to appreciate today more as I do previous birthdays. I actually have no plans, nothing to look forward to, and a couple of things are still up in the air for the next few days.

Its a good thing that God made birthdays to last a whole year, and not just one day, so that I have the next 365 days to rejoice over my twenty second and make it as memorable as every other age I have lived through. 

Happy Golden Year to me.

mid STUCK dle

Yes, goodbyes are never ever easy.

But, not even getting to say goodbye makes it even harder.

I've never felt so torned from leaving a place and heading back home. Sometimes I wish I could be in two places at the same time or have the power of teleportation to travel between locations in the blink of an eye. Residing in a new place leads to new relationships being built in my social circle, which is why by the end of my time away from home, its not about the destination anymore, but about the friendships, intimacy, and memories that have been established there.

Sometimes timing just has it that you gain some, and you lose some. I just hate the feeling of knowing that some close friends back in Edmonton will be moving away for work or leaving from a visit before I get back. I know its not the end of the world and that our paths will surely cross again, but not knowing the when part really sucks.

As my departure draws near, a rush of nostalgia from my stay here in New York comes flooding, and the sappy me has me holding on tightly to every moment left to embrace. All the while, a growing anticipation leads my heart to go home already to see faces I've dearly missed, and me only wishing I could fly out earlier.

I never learn my lesson do I? I should just stop jet setting and calling cities I travel to and reside in "home" right? I feel I always leave a piece of me behind and when it comes to leaving, it only gets more difficult.

Now I know how my friends feel when I leave. My heart aches. Such bittersweetness.


Home is where the heart is. Wherever that may be.

Touched by God

I recently realize that there comes a point where I reach a change in perspective and meaning while living away from home. During my exchange in Seoul, that happened shortly after a month. Now in New York, I think I have caught myself going through this transition again. It's when I realize God is ultimately in control of where I am, what I'm doing what He's doing, who I meet, how I think, and ultimately why I'm here.

Prayers answered from what was once disguise, messages that draw tears to my eyes, divine conversations and moments that blow my mind...

I've been taking in the idea of how God is using me and have set apart a time such as this for me to come here not just for my own selfish (or so I thought) ambitions. I know anything is possible, but His impeccable measures to cover up my flaws that go before me with His selfless grace that covers me is pretty darn good.  Blown away by this truth, I am in awe of the situation He has placed me in and what this has led to.

I never thought how much my actions and words had impacted, been observed, and even influenced, until living with one of my roommates. She has been someone I've been reconnected with over and over again since our final month of High school. You can say we have quite similar interests which seems to lead us to continually cross paths, but I always thought it couldn't be that coincidental. Before coming, I even suggested to a mutual friend that perhaps from rooming together, I could share Christianity with her. Little did I know that God didn't take that lightly.

This friend I'm living with, she's been exposed and acquainted with Christianity, and I acknowledge  how God has been pursuing a relationship with her through divine appointments and interventions that she shared but never grasped herself. Initially praying casually for her, to having her want to attend church with a fellow Christian roommate and I, you can imagine how blown away I was when she told me last week,

"I felt a breakthrough"

after service. I was so overjoyed and thankful that the holy spirit answered my crying out during intercession and stirred up a better understanding for her to grasp this whole concept of being a sinner and knowing that there is a God that accepts us just the way we are. Just those words gave me more confidence to share my identity as a Christian and this past week, a very deep and emotional unexpected conversation followed. Right away, I knew that God had set this up beforehand and entrusted me to be a tool for His service. I felt courage came easy and asked if I could pray for her, asking God to release healing upon her wounded heart. After an hour or so of talking, I know she felt better, but I don't know how much of an impact that was on her. I might've overwhelmed her with my own experiences and sharing of faith. Though, I was humbled that God had this purpose for me and I knew that regardless of how I did, she was in the best hands of the universe.

Today, I had a touching service and I could go on and on about it, but God really opened my mind to the things He was doing and what He can do through me. As much as fashion is my passion, its nothing without striving towards a present and eternal relationship with the omnipresent one. For all things ceases on this Earth, but His kingdom endures forever. Stemming from my previous post, there will always be lack in what I do if its apart from God.

My friend is progressively seeking and I ask that you lift her up in your prayers. There are many questions I don't hold the answers to and many things I could improve on as a roommate and friend, but I'm glad that God can use me to witness to her even with my imperfections.


Don't doubt what He is About

'...And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord's holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge- that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.' -Ephesians 3:17-19

Welcome to Church

I can't believe I was in a church today.

This past week, I have been digging a pessimistic hole for myself. I didn't really notice it until I reflected back and shared with a friend, but I must say I was pretty bitter and unhappy about quite a few things. I guess with every experience there are its ups and downs, but I came to realize that my unhappiness stemmed from a lack of spiritual support and fellowship. I do miss my home church, my SICs, and the joy of a consistent fellowship. I admit that one huge downside to being somewhat of a jet-setter is that you miss out on what's going on at home, thus when you return, you find yourself having to catch up on all that went on as to be "in" on everyone's lives again.

Since coming to NYC, I've been unintentionally church hopping every week. I haven't gone to the same church twice in a row yet. One reason being is that there were quite a few churches I wanted to check out thanks to recommendations, but also because my fellow roomie and friend is still trying to find a church she can call a permanent home. With any big cities, there are multiple mega churches, but also many smaller congregations that remind me of my church back home. Before this Sunday, I've been going to more traditional and somewhat conservative churches, and I realized how much I missed an upbeat worship service.

Today was the other extreme. I went to Hillsong, the well known Australian worship band and church that has expanded to the Big Apple. Famous enough for those in the christian world to recognize their name, I knew I had to go upon finding out about their existence and the fact that there would definitely be upbeat music. Upon my arrival, I couldn't believe I was heading into a church. It was a dark building with only red spotlights and we were told to stand in the back downstairs or find seats upstairs (there are five services every Sunday, but people line up early to get a seat each service). It felt like I was entering a YC concert event back in my younger teenage days, but also into a place far from what could be considered a church, and I was right, this place was a club rented out. I think their approach is neat as it reaches out to a huge student population (close to NYU campus) and young adult demographic, and it surely does attract people from all places, ages, races and backgrounds to come and check out how "cool" church can be. Hip enough to grab attention, and grounded enough to maintain followers, I was excited to be there, yet questioned if I was at a tourist attraction than a place of worship due to Hillsong's hype and popularity.

Shortly, my concerns were clarified and answered by the pastor who welcomed everyone. First stating bluntly that "Coming to a church doesn't make you a Christian just like going to Krispy Creme doesn't make you a donut," it probably convicted some intentions of their presence. He was an engaging and hilarious speaker, and had an approachable and attention grabbing manner to convict, yet state the truth about being a Christian and putting the focus on God during worship (might I add that he has an awesome Australian accent). Worship did feel like a YC concert, but the loud volume and high energy drew my senses to focus on the lyrics and reminded me of who I am and who He is. The actual preacher was an African American by the name of Priscilla. She is an anointed and knowledgeable woman of God making me boldly vouch that she spoke life into each person there standing or sitting, young or old, married or single, female or male. For me, the holy spirit was using her to break down walls of ugly feelings and emotions in my heart and mind that have accumulated lately, while inflaming a renewed passion for my faith in Christ alone. Her sermon was what I needed to hear.

If I was living in NYC, I think I might just be tempted to commit to Hillsong, minus the standing part. It actually gets spiritually tiresome going to a different church each week as you don't follow up on related sermons, can't build relationships with those you meet, and it makes church seem more like an attraction than a house and family you are committing to-even if temporary.

I have a prayer request, please send a prayer my way to be able to figure out a church to call home during my remaining time here and to always, always focus on our almighty Savior. There are too many distractions living in a big city and with a heavy secular spirit here, prayer is what I can turn to to fuel my light.

Roommate Culture

I sleep in the living room on an airbed, next to a nice, big window view... of buildings. I guess that was a given living in an apartment on the 27th floor of central NYC. Though the view isn't anything to boast about or glamorous in any aspect, I've been thankful each day waking up, and every night as I lie awake before heading to bed.

I know the stars didn't align for me to come and live here. Beyond my own plannings and preparations for this coming internship, I've come to realize how much God had set up behind the scenes for me. I'm so bless to know 2/3 roomies before my arrival and to be connected to the last one thanks to these relationships. Like a domino effect, one event led to another, and from being introduced by one roomie to this accommodation option that is own by another roomie back in March, to helping another roomie whose in my program to find a place to stay and happens to cross paths with me time and time again, we are all happily living together now.

It may sound confusing and crazy how everything started out as it did, but at times I am still caught up in disbelief that I am residing in the heart of NYC. I feel so spoiled by the convenience of my accommodations and the generosity of my roommates. Though personal space is limited and being mindful and forgiving of individual habits are typical roommate situations to be conscious of, I'm so glad that not only do we just "live" together because of our circumstances, but we go beyond to cook, clean and care for each other as well. I know this roommate culture we've established is temporary, but it makes me feel capable of moving out and living with a few close friends when I return. As with anything, there are a few downsides, such as the obvious single washroom situation. With four females, its a given that we should be conscious of how much time we individually maintain personal hygiene. From observation, our schedules haven't been clashing with one another, but with 3/4 of us getting up early to head out for our internships starting Monday, it may take an earlier alarm or two for us to be ready on time. However, I believe that that will be a minor issue for us as we are all mature grown ups.

Unlike living in dorms during my exchange (which was a comfortable, but unfavorable experience due to the lack of cooking and cleaning convenience), or in a community house during my Urban Promise days (I enjoyed the fellowship, but felt like the designated house duties and busyness of the place kept me from expressing my own routines), I'm truly enjoying this period of living in close quarters and being challenged on a personal level of what it means to show respect and demonstrate responsibilities of being a fellow roommate, without sacrificing my routine and living comfort.

Here's to the next six weeks, Roomies.

A Special Grace

I just feel like reflecting on these past 7 weeks right now. The first 3 were pretty slow and steady and I would make a mental note of what I accomplished each day. Then, after the Victoria long weekend and the return of my grandma from her three months vacation ( you can read all about it here), days turned into weeks, and weeks into me flying out tomorrow. I can't stress how one's busyness just seems to snatch time away from one's grasp.

From flashmob surprises, to birthday plannings, to gatherings, to a special wedding (CONGRATS Kau & Dau xP), to farewells, to now, I can't believe I'm flying out tomorrow! First flight of the year and I actually didn't want to go due to such precious memories noted in my last blog post. All the while, I've been so occupied to remain silent and submerse into God's presence. This past Sunday's sermon truly reminded me of why its so important to "be still and know that [He is] God" -Psalms 46:10. I have an issue with doing nothing and not filling up my schedule, and I know there is much to be learned in this department of spiritual growth. Its no wonder that God tells us to honor the Sabbath and make our time His, the creator of Heaven and Earth who works outside of our time. Its actually so much harder than we think to "rest" and be at peace with His presence.

These next few weeks will be filled with educational learnings, professional growth, reunions and fresh experiences, but I want to re-re-commit myself to spiritual maturity as well. Re-establishing quality quiet time, seeking God in the little and grand scheme of things, being bold in sharing my faith to new people and places, and letting Him direct where I should be, rather than deciding that for myself.

The more you grow, the more you realize you just don't know, but God's grace has been so good from finishing school until now. He's granted prayers, selfish wants, and forgiven me again and again of my failures and sins. Dang God is good. Where would I be without faith? 

That, ladies and gentlemen, is a very good question. Ponder on that for a more than a mere moment while you remain still and take in His holiness.

Drugged on Fellowship

I'm not even joking.

Since a dinner get together at a fellow brother's house two Fridays ago, I've been on a fellowship high. I'm just so drawn to be around people, converse, laugh, share, eat-whatever it may be. I feel like as extroverted as I can be sometimes, I feel that this is beyond it. I just love spending time with my brothers and sisters and I can't seem to get enough of it!

I'm on overdose!

Call me crazy (which you may have).. "happy crazy," "Sarah's happy hour," "after 8 syndrome," and the list goes on. But honestly, I love you all and I find myself bonding and getting closer with people I don't usually talk to as much too. It's amazing and I love how our common denominator of faith is the glue holding us strong!

I was reflecting earlier on how I would pray, rant, share about the lack of unity in church or groups of people in the past, but to even just visually skim what has happened these past few months is quite extraordinary. I believe this is only the beginning of so much more hang outs, gatherings, joyous celebrations, and informal chillings.

I even felt like not wanting to go to NYC for my fashion internship anymore. How bizarre is that? I use to jump on any opportunity to get out of Deadmonton (and still would), but wow I can't even grasp this side of me right now. With a week to go, I have my reservations and some expectations, but all I care for right now is to invest as much of me as I can into my friendships and dear sic relationships.

I'm out of control and I'm just craving for more.

Fellowship time anyone?!
Let's pop some fellowship pills!

Mourning of Distance

Yesterday I had a fun night of laughter, fellowship, and delicious eats. One probably couldn't even tell that a "close" death had been made known to me earlier on that day. Personally, if particular circumstances or events don't affect the course of your day, your mood, or even what you focus on, than it shouldn't be of any significance right?

Well this was the death of my mom's dad, so my grandpa. The interesting matter about this death is that, for the life of me (literally), I've probably only seen him 5-6 times if anything? Each of these times wouldn't be long either as he resided in Hong Kong. With any family overseas, there tends to be distant separated my time zones, borders, culture, and lack of intimate communication, but the major reason why I've never felt my grandpa was close was because he wasn't close to my mom, in fact, none of my mom's side.

To keep ancient history short, basically my grandma never married my grandpa because when they were dating, his family had arranged him to marry a wealthier lady back in the day. However, he still came back to see my grandma and ended up having four children with her; respectively my mom and her older siblings (but he never cared for them). Can you see how asian-family-drama-esque this is sounding? Another interesting fact is that apparently to this day, his legally married wife and family tree doesn't know that our side of the family exists. It still intrigues me how we got the memo of his death if no one on his side of the family knows us... or so I thought.

When I was first texted the date and occurrence of the incident by one of my brothers, I was clueless and thought he meant the death anniversary of the husband of my grandma I live with who had died before I was born. It didn't make sense to me as I felt that was a very random text and it didn't answer the initial question I had posed to him, but that's a different story. Later in the day, when I saw my mom, she had told me that grandpa had died, and I honestly just brushed it off, but at the same time I felt like everything had made sense now, at least my brother's text did. Yet, I didn't feel anything, even though he died of old age, I didn't feel sad, or unfortunate, and I have not shed a single tear.

I'm making myself sound brutally cold hearted, but how is one to react to a death that is so distant? Physically and psychologically? Its as if this was a death I read in the paper, except I actually feel somewhat bitter and angry towards those innocent victims' murderers. Its a very odd scenario now that I ponder on it, and very weird when I think that my mom won't be going to her dad's funeral.

A Case of Family Duties

Tonight my grandma comes home. If you didn't know, she will be back from a three month trip to China. I guess you can call it a vacation from the Pho residence, but in another aspect, despite the difference in time zone, culture, and language, she landed in another Pho residence-that of my uncle's. Long story short, she basically went there to help take care and be with the newest addition to her grand children.

Its been a huge learning process for my family and it hits me hard that her return may mean that some things just won't change. These past three months, I've come to realize how much there is to be done to take care of a home-the chores, the cooking, the clean up duties, the care as well as the complaints involved  I always think of myself as someone who is independent in multiple aspects, but when it comes to someone to be dependent on in the family, I definitely am lacking. When I know something is to be done or will be done by my grandma or someone else, I just don't do it and play lazy or push it aside until it gets done by so and so, quite often my grandma.  Only if I know no one else will do it or that person isn't there, then I take action.

This quarter of a year without my grandma has made every member of my immediate family step it up in their responsibilities. Some more than others, but for me, I found I've personally been tested abundantly, especially in these last few days as my dad left for a short trip as well. As I'm quote on quote retired, I'm at home the most and I've been faced head on with the reality of taking care of a house, let alone a family. I've joked to friends that I feel like a housewife at home, but despite the stigma that comes with that title, I've come to appreciate it. There's more work to it than meets the eye and my attempt of being in the shoes of a maid is a far stretch. From attempting to make rice for the first time (I know its quite sad for someone my age, but it turned out to be a success), to taking out the garbage, cleaning the kitchen, etc. I can't help but think how selfish I've been towards my family. I have the tendency to complain bluntly, but God's been teaching me to work as if I'm working for Him and reminding me to display sacrificial love for my family. Self love is so easy, but to demonstrate selflessness is much harder. It means not complaining about what others are not doing, not holding yourself back on what you should be doing, and doing a task with no expectation of an "even" return.

I've actually got use to my routine of house work these past few weeks of being home, and I realize it isn't fair for an eighty plus retired lady to be picking up after us. She deserved her break away even if it seemed devastating to our family at first. As happy as I am of her return, I can't help but wish she stayed overseas longer. Things will naturally reroute itself to three months ago; my mom won't be cooking, my dad won't be taking the garbage out, I won't be cleaning, and my brothers won't be washing the dishes as much as we should be.

When my grandma is around, she often complains about us for not cleaning after ourselves as we should, but she also complained about how boring it was in China because my uncle has a maid and she doesn't get to do/clean anything. Interesting eh?

As much as it will be nice to have my grandma's efficient hand back, I hope that we don't stop our individual effort to give her a break. It's so easy to take things for granted, let alone a person.







 

KriAteefiteeeee!

Since the start of three weeks ago, I've been enjoying and filling it up with lots of personal projects as I'm school-free from my first ever Spring term. I can't believe that in the past four years of Uni that I never had four months of summer to myself until now. It's quite interesting how this panned out, but I guess being in a small program has its perks and downfalls.

Despite initially tossing around the idea of finding a second PT to fill up my schedule, I realized that I probably won't ever have this much time off again, so why not invest in things I've wanted to do , but have pushed to the back of my head?

Now that this period of "freedom" has been kicking in, I noticed that I have more to dos than I thought and the list seems to keep growing as I progress from one item to the next . One thing leads to another, and before you know it, I'm feeling overwhelmed (but it is a positive one, unlike the overwhelming feeling of school work). From small errands, appointments, to projects, I guess I've pushed a lot of hobbies and me time out of the way when school is lurking.

Sitting down to start a hands on project, I am reminded of how I can keep myself occupied for long periods of activity time. Minutes become hours, and before I know it, half a day goes by! It brings me back to my childhood days where I stock up on any craft project and supplies I can allow my creativity to flow from. If I had all the time in the world, I would probably attempt my growing list of Pinterest ideas as well. It's just so satisfying to make something from scratch or give something that has a personal touch to it.

Who doesn't want something that money can't buy?

I love DIY!

Recollections of Cleaning

It's that time of year again, and you know what I'm talking about, SPRING CLEANING! I guess for us Edmontonians, Spring is always delayed, so cleaning in May is not late at all if I do justify it myself.

So my latest gig is cleaning my room and I know my last blog post about this was in 2011 here, which means I haven't done a major clean up since then. Okay that sounds kind of gross (like imagine the dust, but I promise my room isn't dirty, it just not as clean as it should be-just kidding, minor cleaning has been attempted at). Rereading that blog post, I still feel there are so many stories told from my room. I'm still in the process of reorganizing and cleaning everything, but I've noticed how much has changed in the span of two years. The change is not necessarily my room itself, well the only physical change is that I've obtained more stuff, but I catch my thought process and how I go about making decisions now compared to then. It's amazes me how I can visually reflect  and acknowledge that I've grown up judging by the things occupying my room. Not to add that my taste has taken a 180 on me as well.

Take my stash of cute pencils, lead pencils and pens I have (even some that don't even work but I still choose to keep) hoarded over my grade school and early uni years, imagine the money that could've been saved! Add on the amount of pencil cases I have (all in the name of cute) and it gets ridiculous. Also, that stash of cell phone charms, key rings, pins, and more- they're such cheap quality and fall apart so easily, yet because of the cute factor, I have a few (small) boxes full of them.  I still think they're cute (this reminds me of the joke someone made about what makes things cute to girls), but that's besides the point. I just realize I have a collection of too many things I don't care too much for now. What to do with them right? Perhaps I should keep it in storage and pass it on to the next gen? ha!

A part of me would like to just trash some of these things (as some of these things aren't even in one piece), but another part of me likes to hold on to them as a piece of childhood memory. The former makes me feel wasteful and the latter makes me feel I will end up in the same place the next time I clean. I'm reminded of how my mom use to tell me to not buy so much of these "things" and the times my grandma would share stories of how my auntie was just like me when she was my age, but when she got older, she donated all her stuff animals etc. I should've taken wisdom from my elders more seriously, but I guess some parts of life are just meant to be lived through and learned on your own. The up side is that I have more storage space in my room, the down side is, I have yet to figure out how to effectively deal with the outdated things of my life.

I haven't started on my closet yet, and that may be another story in itself, but I find clothing much easier to deal with. I tend to set an unwritten rule for myself that if the garment doesn't fit or I haven't worn it in a year (exception: seasonal items) it goes to donation. Nowadays though, with my refashioning phase going on, I've been coming up with new ways to make things wearable or into a whole new piece that I would wear. Now the decision is to donate or to remake? Even then, just browsing through my closet, I can visually see my style change. I use to be all about, you can probably guess it, cute clothes, which I can't even come up with a description of what that would be, it comes to show that I've outgrown it (which may not be a bad thing at all). 

My room itself, well, if you walked into it, without a doubt, the Sanrio bedsheets and comforter, Disney light cover, touches of pink, line up of stuff animals large and small-signify the room of a young girl. To be honest, the structure and design of my room hasn't changed one bit other than the addition of a shelf over the years. I've never thought about changing it up drastically, but lately, I've had a growing desire to match it to who I am now, and not when I was five.

Cleaning can be such an insightful and self learning experience! Never thought right?!


Much has changed. Much has got to go. Much has left for me to grow.

Are you new?

I realize I tend to proactively start a fitness regime once Winter term ends. I guess this perfectly makes sense seeing that I have the time to do so, the weather takes a turn from old man winter, and its a opportune time to get out and work out from a brutal term of inactivity.

So my latest gig to kick myself in the butt is Zumba at a fairly new fitness studio close to my home. I bought a Groupon for it last week (what perfect timing!) and have been enjoying it since. Tonight was only my third class, but not only do I foresee myself doing this as a regular means of exercise, I've also been drawn to the sense of community and welcoming faces I come to Zumba with. Majority of the ladies who practice there are noticeably older than me from the ages of mothers to seniors, though I caught sight of someone around my age today.

Well, that's besides the point, what I want to share is what stood out to me before I even stepped foot into the studio on day one. The instructor was running late and as I was waiting for the studio to open, this middle age lady broke the ice and asked if I was 'new,' and then went on to tell me how friendly everyone is and how people openly converse with one other. I didn't think too much of it other then the fact that she was just being friendly, as there was nothing else to be done but to wait for the doors to open. When class started though, I questioned if I had clashed in on a private party because everyone seemed to know each other, and the only difference from an exclusive engagement was that I was being engaged to as well.

During my second class, a younger lady reassured me that my hands would be 'okay' before we began the Zumba toning class and informed me of what to do if the dumbell-like weights we had to hold on to cramped my hands. I felt like because everyone came so regularly, I obviously was the sore thumb that stuck out and needed to be updated on these things (in a kind manner of course).

In tonight's class, I caught two ladies talking closely and one abruptly looking at me, we briefly caught eye contact (and you know how things can get awkward when you know you've been looking at each other, but you don't say anything to each other?), well she came up to me right after the 'look' to ask me if it was my first time there because she had never seen me before. She was an older lady and encouraged me to keep coming even if I disliked my first few classes (because she did), and at the end of class, introduced and invited me to another class she attended too. I also found out that the lady I saw her talking to earlier wasn't even her friend, in fact, they didn't even know each others' name-what?!

So you may be asking and thinking, what's my point? Somehow I related this sense of community, warm gestures, and engaging attitudes to a church. I don't know how I got this revelation, but I was thinking as I drove home, if I felt so reached out to in a secular place, imagine the impact of a stranger feeling this way when they first enter a church. What if every person who walks into church felt this same sense of community even before they stepped into the church? We always say the church this, the church that, but it really is the people who are the body of Christ that displays His love with open arms. I may have been taken by surprise at the approach these ladies taken towards me, but regardless of the initial thought, it makes me want to return and continue to go.

Every new activity I do on my own can make me feel shy at first because I don't know anyone, I'm worried about doing something wrong or looking stupid. However, because of the attitudes of these fellow Zumba-ers, I felt so comfortable and even a part of this studio already (in comparison to hot yoga... which is anti-social haha).

Well, just some thoughts to put out there. It's absurd for me to feel so bonded to a secular setting, yet I know of those who feel so isolated, alone, and even not welcomed in a church setting. How does this make sense? Shouldn't the people in the church extend a loving attitude beyond what the world can?

Let's ponder on this.

Poopy.

I hate to be yelled at. In fact, I don't know who likes to be yelled at...even if they are the one at fault.

Today I got yelled at by a random neighbor and it made me mad, not going to lie. However, I knew I deserved it and it was also a 'lesson' learned. I was walking my dog at an atypical time than the usual walking schedule since  I wanted to 1. get out of the house and 2. enjoy some of the warm sunshine Edmonton has been getting before it was gone. 

Long story short, I didn't think my dog would actually need to do his #2 so I didn't take a plastic bag with me. Walking around the lake path I always take adjacent to my back yard, Comet (my dog) actually did #2 (seriously? wth...why do dogs poo so much). I was standing and staring clueless momentarily as I was about to walk away and made a mental note to pick it up another time (since I frequently take this route), when a low, angry voice yelled out from higher ground,

"PICK IT UP!"

I looked up and to my right where the voice came from and didn't catch the sight of any face through the windows, decks, or yards, but it repeated,

"PICK IT UP!"

 I had no bag, so I inched closer, and I was thinking, great the day I don't bring a bag, the day I get watched by some random neighbor. I responded with the following...

"I forgot to bring a bag,but.. (forget it, why bother explaining, this man wasn't going to listen to what ever I had to say, would he even believe me if I said I was going to come back with a bag? probably not).. Sorry."

He goes on to keep yelling from his hidden place about watching me before and not picking up after my dog and how he doesn't leave stuff in my backyard (sounding so sure that he knew where I lived) and stated if I knew how much I could get fine.

I apologized again and yes, I admit there have been times when I didn't pick up after my dog, but I haven't done that anytime recent and I know better, so I don't doubt he could've mixed me up with someone else since there are so many dog owners in my area (that are Asian in fact), and one too many dog owners who don't pick up after their pets. Okay, there are probably no excuses to justify that, but this time was different, and as much as I wanted to yell back, I sucked up my anger and ended up picking up my dog's poop with dried leaves just to please this man. If that man was nicer, I wouldn't be ranting about this, but it just reminded me about the following:

WHAT YOU SAY IS JUST AS IMPORTANT AS HOW YOU SAY IT.


Lesson learned alright.

Whirlwind of Plans

I've been meaning to blog for so long and I finally have time to sit down and write away! This is probably going to sound like a diary, so beware the long post.

Leading up to this past weekend has been one full of happiness, celebrations, and smiles- starting with the finishing of my last final ever (hopefully)  on Thursday morning. Honestly, I'm usually pretty good at disciplining myself to make a study schedule and memorize and cram everything into my short term memory, however, this time around, there was just too much I was looking forward to for me to not think about anything but my exam. Plus, it just had to be textile science, a subject I never plan to pursue a career in, but was a last minute resort to get my last 400-level course credits. Anyhow, that's all done with, and thanks to God's almighty grace, I can say I passed this and my two other courses this term happily!

After a short, but joyous celebration with myself shopping and lunching, I spent the afternoon prepping and budgeting with a fellow sic for the EMC lunch the following Sunday. It was such perfect timing, and I use 'perfect' lightly as both of our schedule's were maxed out and as organize as we were, it was still a struggle to buy enough food, find people to help cook, and make sure everything was okay. In the end, God definitely pulled us through, and speaking on behalf of myself and the lack of experience in cooking for a large group, I'm so thankful for all those brothers and sisters that spent their Saturday afternoon and Sunday morning in the kitchen with us, so thank YOU!

And Thursday wasn't even over yet, that night I had a dinner with my small group ladies to celebrate the school term away. It was also two of the ladies' birthdays that week, so a surprise cake was called for in light of adding more excuses to celebrate!

Friday now, a day I've been looking forward to since last term (and probably since day 1 of Uni), because today was my grad dinner at LUX! I spent the day with two fellow friends in my program I met since first year. We window shopped WEM, ate lunch at Cactus Club (my first time there and I would definitely recommend ordering from the starters section if you aren't too hungry, because they are adequately priced and portioned for lunch). After our satisfactory meal, we went to the Princess Diana exhibition. If you haven't heard about it or been to it yet, you still have time to check it out! It's definitely worth the visit and even if you aren't a princess at heart (just kidding), her iconic style, humanitarian persona, and royal history is enriching, touching, and makes you feel you've actually known her on a personal level. I've never been one to be obsess with the royal family, but she is one that I would give a toast to for her elegance and approach on social justice, culture, fashion, and life. Praise God for bringing such a beautiful and well rounded lady onto this Earth.

Okay, so its FRIDAY NIGHT! LUX was a surprise in itself as its exquisite atmosphere, delicious food, and impeccable service wasn't one that was expected for such a huge group, but props to them for achieving their standard of excellence as we celebrated over our academic successes! It was a wonderful night of precious moments, hilarious speeches, reflective sharings from our favorite prof, and nostalgic thoughts on repeat as we sat there listening with high hopes and asking ourselves what is next?. At one point, I felt like I was part of a sorority standing there amongst all the other graduating ladies (there was only one graduating guy) and it made me feel so blessed to be able to share my graduation night with such an small, yet intimate group of amazing people! That's a definite bonus to being part of a small program!

Alright, so as if I wasn't burnt out tired already from the past 48 hours, the next 48 hours had plenty of events planned as well.

Saturday morning I had a I-guess-you-can-call-it-a-reunion sort of thing over Google Hangout with my small group ladies aka SWAG team we had formed in Korea. I can't believed we managed 6 cities and 4 time zone differences to make this happen! From Canada to the States to Brazil, the memories and giggles flooded as if there was no separation at all. I'm glad that one year later we are still strong and going, and planning a birthday surprise video for our small group leader later this month. It's going to be epic!

That afternoon, I attended my first ever bridal shower. It was delightful and engaging the whole time and I had so much fun in celebration of another coming celebration! From the games, food, jokes, to presents, it was such a blessing to be able to bless this bride-to-be and have glimpse of what the party will be like on the day of their wedding!  In between all my busyness, I'm glad I was able to sneak in time to prepare her gift, which I hope will be useful some day (haha, if you're reading this, you know what I mean *winkwink* ).

Afterwards, the remaining time was spent finishing up preparations for lunch the next day and as for that night, preparing for a birthday surprise for my friend's 20th the next evening. I'm not joking when I say this weekend was full of surprises!

Hello Sunday (finally). Thanks to God's providence and multiplication, we had more then enough food which we were so worried about at first (PTL!). It was a great morning of bonding over cooking, serving, cleaning, and praying together during the prayer walk in the neighborhood after.

Okay, so skipping the short period of rest I had in the late afternoon, that night's birthday surprise was a success as well and I couldn't be more bless for all these sic-ships and activities I've been given the opportunity to plan and partake in.

If you read this post all the way to here, give yourself a pat on the back!


I can finally breathe again. Woot!

Burning Injustice

These past few days, or more like weeks (since I've been pondering on these issues so often lately it feels as if everything occurred yesterday), I've been exposed to many injustices. I always felt human and rights came together like peanut butter and jelly, but maybe perhaps only in a utopian world, or I'm just too oblivious to care about the lack of human rights in the rest of the world living in a privileged country like Canada. Realistically, this is not the case, and though I acknowledge the unethical (and sinful) practices of the world, I never felt that injustices could hit so close to home.

Recently, I found out that my friend's dad is falsely placed in jail for advocating for democracy in China. He's been in jail for 10 years now and despite the appeal of the Canadian, US and European governments, the United Nations, and Amnesty International, China will not permit his release. To fast forward this complex, yet compelling story (you can learn more here), I was in awe of my friend's courage, strength, and pro activeness towards her dad's situation over this past decade. Her actions have led to travels to increase awareness, a book inspired about her courageous acts (read an article about it here), and this petition she started for her dad (which can be found here) are just a glimpse of everything she has contributed towards the release of her dad.

All this was revealed to me within one day and I was sitting on the edge of my couch wanting to know more, learn more, and do more. I never thought I would have a friend going through this so close to me. To think that her father is one of many falsely placed in jail is absurd to me. It makes me furious on how the law and judgement of this secular world is lacking immensely compared to God's judgement. I pray and hope that good will come through for my friend, her family, and most of all her father. I feel as if this is a personal matter to me and I really encourage you to sign the petition. Every step counts.

Another burning issue that happen occurred just yesterday. My friend had invited me to go to Beulah Alliance Church to watch a documentary screening about poverty and prostitution. Once I heard it, I just felt a huge surge of interest to go and I didn't ponder on alternatives that I could've been doing or going to on a Friday night. Arriving and seeing the screening poster at Beulah left me jaw dropped.  I like to call these events divine set ups because there's honestly no better term to describe it then that. Reason being is, when I was in Korea, I recall hearing about Nefarious and how amazing and "must watch" it was. Walking up to the door to see the poster clearer, it took me a moment before my memory wired in and pulled up the familiar name, and then I was in absolute disbelief that I was going to be watching this. I had totally forgotten to look into it during and upon my return from Korea, but God had never forgotten.

Watching Nefarious:Merchants of Souls was a whole other story. When I first heard about, I recall it relating to injustice, faith, God, and poverty, but the detail and extent of the story is uncapturable  just by my sharing, it truly is a must watch. It tugged on my heart strings, infuriated my senses,  and had me sharing in the emotional outpour of the victims on the screen. Stemming from one guy's passion in human trafficking led him to take on a project to four continents directing and unveiling the hidden stories behind prostitutes, to put it bluntly, a derogatory term surrounding the gender of women, females, teenagers, and young girls who some have been forced into selling their bodies, where others, the choice was already made for them.

I started watching the movie in rage and I couldn't imagine what it was like to be in her shoes. Maybe I had taken a feminist's extreme, but I found myself piling a mound of anger toward those "johns" aka men that buy sex and view the females as a commodity. In almost an instant of those thoughts, I was reminded about a sharing from a pastor in Korea, she had said something along the lines of,  

"It's easy to feel for the victims, its easy to side with them, its easy to love on them, but can you love the men who do these things to them just the same? Can you love unconditionally like Jesus did to those who don't deserve it?"

The rage turned to care, then to sadness, and to a question I posed to myself, why am I complaining about my life? Honestly, there's so much more to the world then my life. I'm one in seven billion and God listens and loves me, but at the same time, He listens and loves all of them out there too. I found my heart burning against these social injustices and I want to do more then just sit and read the newspaper daily and become desensitize to these issues that God has put on our hearts. I really encourage you to watch this documentary, but I want to warn you that the content isn't family friendly as it isn't rated yet, but I know it will change your perspective and educate you beyond the surface level understanding of prostitution and sex trafficking.

I never forgot the screening of Jaeson Ma's 1040, and I know I won't ever forget Nefarious.

Don't take your rights for granted.

The rights of one should be the rights of another, but the rights of none, shouldn't be the rights of one.

I'll leave you with this.




What does your heart BURN for?

The Last

Last week of classes.

 I don't even know what to think of it. It's been a journey of highs and lows, smiles and break downs. A part of me just wants this week to be fast forward along with my two final finals later this month, either throwing in an early towel and calling it what it is, or doing my best in my last few assignments due by the end of this week.

Four years of books, lectures, projects, papers, and more.

I will be needing a lengthy blog post to reflect on all this once this is actually over.  My lack of blogging signifies how much there is to be updated on these days. I can't wait.

The final countdown begins now. 

Public Losses

Every year I seem to never learn my lesson. I remind myself time and time again, but it so happens to be an unfortunate occurrence that I must face…annually. In the months of winter (which seems to be half of the year here) when toques, mitts, scarves and related accessories Edmonton’s deep freeze calls for, something will go missing from me.

& this is how this lost and never found story goes…

When I plop myself down on my usual bus routes to school, I tend to take my mitts off and place them on my lap so I can religiously go about reading my copy of the Metro each morning. I kill my commute reading, and at the same time, I'm informed on up-to-date local and across the world headlines. I must comment that whoever started this free newspaper is just fabulous. However, I get so caught up in the stories, news, gossip, recipes, entertainment that when I arrive at the stop where I need to get off, I fold my Metro up, put my arms through my backpack and prepare myself to get off the bus. In the midst of this morning routine though, I FORGET about my mittens or gloves I had placed on my lap! As a result, I get up, they fall to the dirty (and sometimes muddy) ETS floors, and I don’t realize this until I’m off the bus. 

AHHHHHHHHH! UGGGGGGGH! If you don’t sense my frustration, you do NOOOOOOOWWW as I watch the bus drive away and visualize myself chasing after it =(

Earlier this year I had left my beloved black beanie on the ETS, and after multiple phone calls and messages left on an annoying answering machine, I had to assume someone probably took it as there was no reply from my missing beanie. Neither did I get a reply from anything else I’ve lost before.

Just last week, my knitted grey gloves faced the same fate as I abruptly got off the bus. This tipped off my anger cap as prior to this year, I had lost a pair of gloves (which were only a week new!), and the year before, another pair of finger mittens with coverings over them. I thought I learned my lesson from the previous incidents and I always make a conscious effort to put what I take off into my backpack, but why oh why did this have to happen infamously AGAIN?!?! 

I’m not even going to bother with searching anymore. I might as well do what elementary school kids do and sew a string that attaches my gloves/mittens to my jacket… and maybe even a string for my beanie to my hood.

How ridiculous of me.

Any brainy suggestions?

Marching into you

Greetings March,

You've definitely were sneaky about your arrival. How in the world did you kick February out of the way so soon?

Springing forward (let's hope I get it right this time), puddles, potholes, and warmer temperatures, I'm taken by surprise, but full of sunny anticipation that you are here.

It's the final countdown to my term, and in the midst of all the crazy-ness that is to come, I hope I set aside time to appreciate you. February came and left so soon not because of your selfishness to be at the forefront, but because of the blinding truth of my schedule as I spoke of earlier on.

I can't guarantee anything, but may I be able to cherish those precious life moments you will be delivering this month.

Now let's kick it off and embrace each other!

One Anniverseoulry

Exactly one year ago, I had landed in Seoul, South Korea. I was on the edge of starting my time abroad as an exchange student and I still remember that day as if my flashback had come alive just now.

Being picked up by an unni (term for older sister) at the airport, taking the shuttle bus into the city, getting lost on the day the temperature dropped the lowest while freezing in Spring-like-not-anywhere-near-warm-enough clothes trying to find our hidden hostel and lugging two luggage each with our frozen fingers, it was the start of an unforeseen adventure. On the positive side, I had warmed up to my very first authentic Korean meal and heartfelt conversation well spent with my lovely friend whom I was divinely destined to meet two years ago in Edmonton. She went out of her way to make me feel welcomed and catered to and I couldn't have felt more blessed by her efforts and sweet presence.

Emotions ranged from being confused and dazed, to excitement and outrageously over the top about everything and anything I saw, tasted, and heard.

It was like I had discovered a new found world.

Putting my nostalgia on pause, I've realize how different of a place I am in compared to that day. It so happens to be Family Day today and I have such a strong desire to re-experience everything that started on this day last year. If only I could drown myself in Inception and dream up this joyous memory on repeat.


Happy Seoul Family Anniversary to me.

Catching Up to Myself

Every week has honestly been a whirlwind since the start of this year. There always seems to be something to do, people to see, meetings, school work, Edmonton buzzes and the like. I feel like I've been constantly running on a rusty old engine in need of a tune up any moment no.

I'm enjoying everything I am involved with and partaking in, but I am stretching myself and I know it. Maybe its because its my last term in school that I have partly over committed in multiple areas, or perhaps I just can't say No? No, that's not it. It's rare that someone embraces their busyness and is passionate about what they are doing from school to extracurriculars, and even work. However, I am pushing it and I find myself having to make room for this limited means of time and secretly seeking innovative ways to multitask.

Now that I'm going head first into my final reading week ever, I'm starting to realize how fast school is moving along, how quickly certain events are coming, and how in disbelief I am that this time next year, I WON'T KNOW WHAT I WILL BE DOING!

To say I'm unsure of my future is a definite understatement. At the same time, there's an unspeakable joy bubbling inside of me for that next stage.

To think about what was going on this time last year... makes me question what in the world am I still doing here?


Dear Self, please enlighten me.

Desperate

I've never been so desperate for something. So desperate to the point of wanting to trade in my life for it. I don't even know how to explain this without sharing the details, but all I can say is I can only put my faith in God. I have no other place to turn to but into His endless love, His never ending hope, and His timely plans and promises.

Have you ever felt like you were trapped in a corner with no way out?

That's me right now.

There's nothing to do but trust, hold on to that silver lining, and contend for unforeseen circumstances to occur from the Almighty creator of the universe. To be healed by His words and not lied to by the enemy who comes to steal, kill and destroy. 

Please contend with me for instant healing and change of hearts. Only He can do what is thought to be impossible in the eyes of doubtfuls.

Jesus has, can, and will reign through this. I claim it in His holy and miraculous powers.

Pray Big&Bold.

The Set-Up Samaritan

Last Monday, the first day of school, I didn't have classes until 1pm and I was planning to arrive to school a little early to get a new one card and Upass (lost it when I was about to start my last term ever...sucks). However, like any first day back I was running late and missed my bus. Fortunately, my youngest brother was late too and was going to drive to school, so of course I was going to car pool.

We were so close to pulling out of our driveway except for the fact that a taxi pulled up in front of our house. I honestly didn't know who would arrive to my place in a taxi. I looked over and this middle age Caucasian taxi driver winds down his window and informs us in his European accent that his passenger, a Chinese descent grandmother whom we saw next to him was lost.

To make it a short story, this senior lady was looking for her daughter's house whom she knew the address of. She hadn't been to her daughter's place in two years and was desperately wanting to go there to see her son who had arrived from overseas.

However

1. The address couldn't be right because she stubbornly persisted that it was in the north end area when the address would've directed the taxi driver to the south end of the city as the driver made known to us

2. Her daughter doesn't know of her arrival because she isn't able to contact them since she doesn't have their number (they didn't give it to her even though she has a cell phone) FYI: we later had enough information to assume that she only is in contact with her daughter whens she chooses to visit her

3. She wasn't sure of where she was and was basing her 'landmark' memory of a gas station to be near this unknown residence.

I thought....
Maybe she wrote down the address wrong.
Maybe her daughter gave her a fake one. 
Maybe her son wasn't even at this house when she arrive despite her once again stubbornness that he would be there for sure.

As my brother was doing his best translating back and forth, I thought to myself how patience and kind this driver was to pull up at Asian-looking faces to get some help. He could've easily dropped off this grandma anywhere, could've easily became frustrated with the lack of directions and communications, but he wasn't. He did joke he didn't mind going in circles as he would have a customer all day (and she was willing to pay him, she was in desperation to find this house), but genuinely, I sensed that he didn't want her to waste the time and money.

I stepped in to help translate, and in the end we compromised that if another few circles of driving didn't spark any recollection of the location of this house, then the driver would bring her back to her senior's home in Chinatown.

As we headed to school, I felt a humbling awe within that we did something good. God had set us up to help this grandma and it made me reflect on how sad it was that she wasn't able to contact her children, how she was lost, how lonely she must be living in a senior's home, the driver's action of pulling up next to us, his calm and sincere attitude, and what divine timing all this was.

I still think of this grandma and wonder if she did find her daughter's house. What if she didn't? I guess some questions are just left unanswered....

Faith & Passion

Faith is the highest passion in a human being. Many in every generation may not come that far, but none comes further― Søren Kierkegaard

Faith and Passion were the two main topics of the English Adult talks in this year's Be.My.Everything Winter Conference theme.  I don't think it could've been spoken at a better timing, at least for me personally. Since coming back from Korea, I've been struggling to find that passion in my faith and in others that I have experienced during my exchange. Ironically, I realized coming back that this year's speaker, Pastor Dan Ho, was the English Adult speaker at my very first WC back in 2005. This is significant because I had had such a strong desire to go to English Teens due to my first WC speaker, Wayne Adams' return. I've been waiting all these years for him to be a WC speaker, and the year he comes back, I realize that my faith is at a different place and it wouldn't be the same being situated in the Teens Program like I was seven years ago. Yet, I don't think I missed out in anyway, and if anything, I gained more than I would have as God spoke through another speaker who had been there with me at my first ever WC - I just never realized it. 

Faith

Is everywhere. People place their faith in so many things, and most of all, in themselves. One thing that stood out to me is how personal our God is. There may be billions of people on Earth, but God still has a unique plan and purpose for each one of us. We are all a gem in his treasure box and with Him by our side, there are never coincidences. 

I easily put my faith in so many places with acknowledging it. My education, my career, my family, my friends, my-self. I realize how unfortunate this is when first and foremost, my trust should Always be in the Lord's hands. Timely, God is showing me what it is He wants from me. I know longer need to have expectations going into conferences or retreats because as long as I make myself available, God will have expectations for me instead.

Passion

As you mature in your faith, you become more Christ-like, and when you reach a certain point so to speak, your are able to acknowledge how your heart aligns with His. It's hard to pinpoint when this is, everyone is different and its a spiritual journey you have to discover for yourself. At this time of my life, many people question where I am going next, what I will be doing, and despite being my fourth year, I honestly don't know. The decisions are too abundant with too many places I want to go to and multiple employment routes I want to embark on.

I've been so caught up in my passions that I no longer know if what I want to pursue is what God wants me to pursue. He's my creator, the designer of me, so what I'm passionate for must be something He's passionate for. Yet, I'm not sure if what I'm seeking should be what I'm seeking. I guess for now I just need to just listen to His still voice and follow the light he shines on my path for me to follow. I feel I'm a step closer, but when doubt kicks in, I lack the faith to make a passionate decision.

But, a passion, Jaeson Ma had said, "If you don't have a passion worth living for, you don't have a passion worth dying for." This WC, I feel so challenged, a challenge that is beyond me because it's making me question every aspect of my choices. 

As each day of conference progressed, I find myself being blown away by all the revelations I've been receiving. There was so much to soak up that I couldn't let anything slip away as I speedily took notes. The worship moved me and sparked a bold worship I never knew I had in me. The strangers in my bedside group became dear sisters in Christ that spurred growth in one another. 

From seven years ago, I am speechless at where my faith is and where this passion is going to take me seven years later. 

As reason is a rebel to faith, so passion is a rebel to reason. - Browne, Sir Thomas

 

 

Symphony of Fireworks

When I was participating in the Explore program in Montreal this past summer, I mentioned in one of my travel blog posts about the amazing sights of fireworks I would be able to enjoy. In fact, other then missing the first one of the competition, I watched a total of nine shows. I don't know why, but the art of fire crackers exploding into the night sky and displaying a symphony of movements, colours, repetitions, and strokes captures the entirety of my attention and drowns me in a sensation of awe. I never wanted to miss one, I didn't want to hear 'you missed out' if I didn't go, and when does Edmonton ever have a series of firework competitions?

Out of the nine shows, Greece was my favorite because of the location I was watching the fireworks from. A local friend had introduced me to that flawless site, the Papineau Bridge. Sitting there like an anxious kid waiting for her turn, I was speechless and strapped with joy as I sat on that metal railing awaiting for the majestic show to begin. It felt so surreal. The only thing coming between me and the artistic explosion was the wire fence in front of me, situated there for my safety, but if I had the option, I wish it wasn't there.

I will never forget the weekly experience of chasing after that visual adrenaline. Watching fireworks from a screen will never match watching them live. I even thought to myself that being a pyrotechnic would be a challenging, yet highly rewarding job. Sometimes I would feel a strong divine presence as I stared down each firework. It felt impossible to be able to create such beauty and glamour in the darkness. The magnificence of the encounter made me question the reality of it, as if there was an invisible lining in the darkness projecting choreographed lights.Yet, my eyes weren't lying despite the dispute in my mind and these quick, spectacular moments embedded unforgettable recollections there.

Likewise, this whole year has blown me away. My study abroad to Korea, French exchange, and reunions in different cities has filled me with an unspeakable humbleness. I am so blessed by all of this and God's leading hand in my every step. He has pushed me out of my comfort zone, challenged me to mature in my faith, and has left me in an endless state of awe. He goes before me, beyond me, and between me and everything I am able to do. And when I thought that nothing could surpass these fireworks in my life, He surprises me with the greatest one of all to end off 2012, Winter Conference.

I think I will be needing some time and a few blog spaces to exclaim and share all that I have learned, heard and seen. Even if it was my 6th time going and walking into it with prayers to be answered, God knocked me off of my feet with His creativity and ability to do so. To be swoon by His love is an utter understatement and I am so thankful he called me out seven years ago to my first Winter Conference.

Acknowledging that I still have a whole life ahead of me, 2012 was just a teaser, a spark of what's to come in 2013. Who knows what type of fireworks are going to ignite this year.

Here's to a New Year, New Discoveries, and New Revelations.

Thankyou Jesus.