I can't believe its been almost a month since the Emmaus retreat, and that was only a glimpse of what God has been doing in me. I've been meaning to write this post, but due to school and midterms, I've finally been able to get around to it.
The following Tuesday of retreat I decided to fast for 24hours. One of the pastors who spoke at the retreat told us his testimony about how God gave him his calling. For a period of time, he fasted every Thursday, and instead of eating during his meal times, he would pray. He would pray, and not just a short and simple prayer, but one that was lengthy and in tune with how the Holy Spirit was moving in him and what God had planned for his future.
At that time, I really contemplated extending my stay in Korea. God was doing so much in me and I had fallen so in love with Seoul that I would get sappy just thinking about leaving towards the end of June. I knew staying here for another term would be out of the question as 1. I don't have any more credits to justify the extension, and 2. it wouldn't be worth it financially. Regardless, I needed a confirmation from God if my desires were His desires for me as well.
Another pastor had shared how she had asked God to answer her three distinct prayers two ish years ago: going to bible school (her calling), being able to stay at New Philly (church I'm attending), and that God would provide for her to stay in Seoul financially (she was from another city in Korea, Busan). To her amazement, the next day she attended service, New Philly had presented a seminary scholarship opened to members of the church, with room and board provided, and afterwards, he/she would intern for New Philly. Just imagine how she felt. Not only had God answered her prayer, He provided solutions to all three of her requests, all at once! God is SO Good.
So with those two examples in mind, and a hunger for an answer from God, I decided to fast. Like the latter example, I asked God for three things: my purpose in Korea if I was to stay, for housing, and for finances to be provided to meet my first two prayer requests.The last time I fasted, was probably for 30hr famine back in grade twelve. However, I didn't waste time thinking if I was physically capable, I just did it in faith.
Fast forward and 24 hours was not as hard as I though it be, I mean, obviously I did get hungry, but my desire for an answer from God was bigger than my desire for food.
That night, I checked my email and I shouldn't have been surprised, but I got an acceptance notice from the Explore program. So, before I came to Korea I had applied for this program, which is basically a bursary to learn French anywhere in Canada (I chose Montreal) and all tuition, accommodation, and fees would be covered by the government as they want to promote French culture and language. I had been expecting a reply in April, but I didn't think it would come so early on. Plus, I had my intentions set on extending my time in Korea at this point, so I thought, if I got rejected, it wasn't a big deal, and if I did get accepted, I could always turn it down.
Here's the catch though, I only had ten days to make a decision for this program. With my head wrapped around the idea of what I was praying for that day, I thought it was just such bad timing. Why did this email have to come at a point when I was so set on extending my time in Korea? I know God didn't give me any answers that day in terms of what I prayed for (or so I thought at the time), but I was fighting for my own desires. I wanted to wait it out as long as I can just in case God shows me His answers.
The next few days drove me nuts. I jumped back and forth between options of rejecting or accepting this email. I discussed it with a handful of friends, emailed friends who has participated in Explore before, and talked about it with my mom. The number one reason why I had applied in the first place was because I wanted to not only have an all expense paid for language experience, but to also be able to check out Montreal and find possible internship opportunities for my practicum component next year.
To be honest, I already knew the answer. In hindsight, I feel the confirmation stronger than ever. God had answered my prayers-purpose,financial needs, housing-all in one email! Despite applying for the Explore program back in January, God had already set me up for this. God had set me up for me to fast and pray to Him for those three things for Korea, to only have Him show me that his plans for me were in Montreal. He was testing me. I was so caught up in what I wanted, that I lost sight of the bigger picture. I know I have become really attached to Seoul, and its when you feel so comfortable in one place that God calls you out of your comfort zone.
It wasn't a decision I needed to make, it was a matter of trusting in God and stepping in faith. I feel like I had knew my decision from the moment I opened that email, but I just wasn't at peace with it. With much contemplation and reflection, I made a decision. I had thought back to everything I've been blessed with over the years and how God never disappoints me. From Urban Promise, to my student tour to Taiwan, spontaneous mission trip to Aruba, and now this unforgettable exchange in Seoul-I acknowledge that what is coming will be another experience that calls for growth.
The next day, one of my friends who had did the Explore program last year, replied me. If she had replied me the day before, I would've been set on rejecting my acceptance email. She had went to Quebec City instead of Montreal, but she told me how spiritually dead the city was, and how the people there cursed everything, even religion. She told me how uncomfortable she was as a Christian in that city with only a handful of Catholic churches to attend, and even encouraged me to choose staying in Seoul over Montreal. In only God-known ways, I felt that the decision I had made before her response, was confirmed. I actually felt it was more of a reason for me to go, to be that light, to be that salt.
My decision wasn't a selfish desire no longer, and believing that God's desires for me are better than my present desires, I said yes to the Explore program.
I still don't know what is in store for me, or what God has planned, but since that day forward, every decision I've made in regards to the Explore program didn't make me second guess myself. Everything that followed felt so right, and all it took was me stepping in faith.
I'm looking forward to the revelations God has for me this summer.
Since then, I have been fasting once a week. Not only for God's answers to my prayers, but for Him to break down strongholds keeping me back, and for me to be able to be draw closer to Him as well.
God knows best.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Easter Anniversary
Today is my fifth anniversary of getting baptized and it so happens to fall on the exact day of the week as it was five years ago. In God's divine plan, today is also my brother's baptism, exactly on Easter Sunday like mine was five years ago.
Five years.
Looking back on these five years has shown how much growth I've experienced. Either it be through church, through other brothers and sisters, through school, through my travels, or through my family, I acknowledge all of the plans God has had for me.
Five years later.
I wonder where will I be, what will I be doing, and how I will be doing. I'm excited just thinking about what God has in store for me. The possibilities of growth are endless.
Thankyou Jesus for this special day.
Five years.
Looking back on these five years has shown how much growth I've experienced. Either it be through church, through other brothers and sisters, through school, through my travels, or through my family, I acknowledge all of the plans God has had for me.
Five years later.
I wonder where will I be, what will I be doing, and how I will be doing. I'm excited just thinking about what God has in store for me. The possibilities of growth are endless.
Thankyou Jesus for this special day.
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Receiving New Wine II
It's been two days since the retreat and I'm still running on this new found love for God. Trust me, its not another 'Christian high,' if anything, this retreat was far from it. My faith is at a whole new dimension and being at the Emmaus large group today confirmed how much we have all changed just by looking at each others' faces. We were all glowing with a renewed foundation of our identity in Christ and worshiped passionately.
One thing that I still can't get over about this retreat is something I haven't figured out how to explain. I never thought I would experience it in my life. Being home in wee little Edmonton and having heard and discussed it, I never thought I would experience it for myself. I always thought God gifted it to 'special' believers (for lack of a better word), and ones he called out to have this ability. Perhaps those in unknown parts of the world or third world countries where I would never have the chance to witness this. Another side of me lacked faith to believe in it, faith is to believe what you do now see, yet, I was not believing with all my heart that this was capable of being real. Saturday night, God not only proved my lack of faith wrong, He demonstrated it to me, and even shared with me that I could have this ability too.
During praise and worship before the sermon on Saturday, we had our arms around one another and were praying out loud to God. All of us. One of the Emmaus staff leaders came and put her arm on me and another girl beside her. She sang out loud, she prayed loud, and then something unusual happened. She was speaking in a way that was unfamiliar and sort of strange, while at the same time, her hand on me, and possibly her whole body was shaking in a perfect rhythm. I kept listening and then it hit me. I asked myself, could it be? No way. What... and I even heard it coming from behind me from another person as well. OMG. It is. She really was. She was speaking in tongues. I made a mental note of it to myself because I knew I had to confirm it. I was blown out of my mind. It was actually a beautiful experience. I thought it was just 'blablabla' to me, but the more I heard it come out, the sweeter it sounded.
After the sermon that night, we went to our small groups and shared what spoke to us from the sermon. I couldn't help it and my excitement jumped to what I had experienced earlier. My small group leader looked at me so calmly and thought I said I had spoken in tongues, but after the minor confusion she threw a question at me that sent me flying. Do you want this gift? I was like what are you talking about? I can have it? Huh?! Turns out, my small group leader had that gift too and she was actually blessed with it through another believer, same goes with another girl in my small group. She asked, yes or no, if you want it we will pray for you to receive it, if you don't, then you don't. I was so hesitant, I never thought you can just the gift like that, how is that even possible? I thought God gifted it, how did so many believers here at the retreat have this gift? I couldn't even let it sink in that all this was all happening, let alone asking for the possibility of having this spiritual gift. Anyhow, we ended up praying that this other girl and I would receive it, and after praying for us in English, my leader and this other girl who knew how to speak in tongue prayed for us in tongues. Hearing them speak within such a close proximity and in such a clear voice got me curious. I felt like I was dreaming, is this all real? It felt out of this world.
After the prayer, my friend and I didn't speak in tongues. Not like it was an anti climax, but I realize so many people have it because they asked for it with faith like a child's. No questions. No double thinking it. No hesitance. I, on the other hand, didn't have that faith at the moment, and I was in the process of being transformed into a new wine skin. Like I said in my last post, God cannot bless you with better blessings if you are stuck in your old shell. I know God won't give me more than I can handle, and maybe at this time, having me listen to it and be a witness for it was enough. Also, not everyone is gifted with this gift, we read 1 Corinthians 12 about spiritual gifts and how God equips each of us with different gifts for His purposes. So even though I was prayed for to receive it, God has the final say in all of this.
Through this whole experience though, I felt God's endless strength. You can't doubt His power, you can't doubt His glory, and you can't doubt what He can do through you and for you. All you have to have is faith. We can choose to put our faith in ourselves, or in God.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. This is what the ancients were commended for. By faith we understand that the universe was formed at God's command, so that what is seen was not made out of what was visible" -Hebrews 11:1-3
Where is your faith at?
One thing that I still can't get over about this retreat is something I haven't figured out how to explain. I never thought I would experience it in my life. Being home in wee little Edmonton and having heard and discussed it, I never thought I would experience it for myself. I always thought God gifted it to 'special' believers (for lack of a better word), and ones he called out to have this ability. Perhaps those in unknown parts of the world or third world countries where I would never have the chance to witness this. Another side of me lacked faith to believe in it, faith is to believe what you do now see, yet, I was not believing with all my heart that this was capable of being real. Saturday night, God not only proved my lack of faith wrong, He demonstrated it to me, and even shared with me that I could have this ability too.
During praise and worship before the sermon on Saturday, we had our arms around one another and were praying out loud to God. All of us. One of the Emmaus staff leaders came and put her arm on me and another girl beside her. She sang out loud, she prayed loud, and then something unusual happened. She was speaking in a way that was unfamiliar and sort of strange, while at the same time, her hand on me, and possibly her whole body was shaking in a perfect rhythm. I kept listening and then it hit me. I asked myself, could it be? No way. What... and I even heard it coming from behind me from another person as well. OMG. It is. She really was. She was speaking in tongues. I made a mental note of it to myself because I knew I had to confirm it. I was blown out of my mind. It was actually a beautiful experience. I thought it was just 'blablabla' to me, but the more I heard it come out, the sweeter it sounded.
After the sermon that night, we went to our small groups and shared what spoke to us from the sermon. I couldn't help it and my excitement jumped to what I had experienced earlier. My small group leader looked at me so calmly and thought I said I had spoken in tongues, but after the minor confusion she threw a question at me that sent me flying. Do you want this gift? I was like what are you talking about? I can have it? Huh?! Turns out, my small group leader had that gift too and she was actually blessed with it through another believer, same goes with another girl in my small group. She asked, yes or no, if you want it we will pray for you to receive it, if you don't, then you don't. I was so hesitant, I never thought you can just the gift like that, how is that even possible? I thought God gifted it, how did so many believers here at the retreat have this gift? I couldn't even let it sink in that all this was all happening, let alone asking for the possibility of having this spiritual gift. Anyhow, we ended up praying that this other girl and I would receive it, and after praying for us in English, my leader and this other girl who knew how to speak in tongue prayed for us in tongues. Hearing them speak within such a close proximity and in such a clear voice got me curious. I felt like I was dreaming, is this all real? It felt out of this world.
After the prayer, my friend and I didn't speak in tongues. Not like it was an anti climax, but I realize so many people have it because they asked for it with faith like a child's. No questions. No double thinking it. No hesitance. I, on the other hand, didn't have that faith at the moment, and I was in the process of being transformed into a new wine skin. Like I said in my last post, God cannot bless you with better blessings if you are stuck in your old shell. I know God won't give me more than I can handle, and maybe at this time, having me listen to it and be a witness for it was enough. Also, not everyone is gifted with this gift, we read 1 Corinthians 12 about spiritual gifts and how God equips each of us with different gifts for His purposes. So even though I was prayed for to receive it, God has the final say in all of this.
Through this whole experience though, I felt God's endless strength. You can't doubt His power, you can't doubt His glory, and you can't doubt what He can do through you and for you. All you have to have is faith. We can choose to put our faith in ourselves, or in God.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. This is what the ancients were commended for. By faith we understand that the universe was formed at God's command, so that what is seen was not made out of what was visible" -Hebrews 11:1-3
Where is your faith at?
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Receiving New Wine I
Sometimes what you want the most comes comes in the least expected packaging.
This past weekend I went to a retreat with Emmaus campus ministry. Going in with expectations, I left with even more expectations for myself and from God. Unbelievably, this retreat shook me up, awakened me, and even showed me God's works in new ways I have never experienced before.
On Friday night, Pastor Myungwha, an intern pastor at New Philly shared an in depth testimony and passage to us about receiving a new wine skin, hence the theme of this retreat. At only the age of twenty-five, Pastor Myungwha is a recent graduate from seminary, receiving the call to go into full time ministry not too long after graduating Edae Women's Univeristy. Dressed in a white top, gray zip up hoodie and dark wash skinnies, she looked far from being a pastor. In fact, she wasn't that much older than us, and before she had been introduced, I thought she was just another student. However, don't underestimate the impact she had on us, her testimony opened up our hearts and allow feelings we had been suppressing to arise.
Back in the day, wine was precious and new wine was even more precious as it needed to be treated specifically. New wine cannot be poured into old wine skin because doing so, the old wine skin would break. In the same way, we cannot be blessed with gifts from God if we have not let the "old" go- the past, the hurts, the scars, the cuts, the pains. If we were able to receive this new wine, we would break like old wine skin would. God won't give you more than you can handle, and as such, you are not able to receive greater blessings from the Lord if you are holding on to your old self- you just won't be able to handle it. There was a girl who came to the retreat who didn't believe in God, but during the retreat when everyone was praying and crying out to the Lord, she questioned why she didn't wasn't reaching out to God like everyone else did, and this was because God knows she is not ready for it physically and spiritually. Instead, God works in crazy ways and sent her a vision while a leader was praying for her. In her vision, she saw a figure that resembled God, and he was looking right into her eyes. When she told one of her friends, they interpreted that God loves her so much that He wants her attention. He wanted her to feel important, He wanted to make it known to her that He wanted her like he wants everyone else.
As kids we are vulnerable. Growing up and on the hunt for our identity, everyone of us is side tracked, distracted, and tempted onto other paths. Satan loves to target us and draw us away from God before we mature and find our identity in him. He feeds us lies about ourselves, selfish desires, and bounds us with an endless about of suffering. We hold on to these things for so long that we adapt and feel as these secular ambitions and feelings are normal and right. It is when we come to a point where we can let all these things go, and rather, allow our creator to fill us up, that we find freedom. Knowing that regardless of every sin, wrong turn or mistake, our heavenly father still loves us, cares for us, and desires for us each and every day. Imagine that feeling when you realize there is no need to seek your own way or find that ideal future for yourself because it has already been taken care of by someone who knows and loves you more than you know and love yourself. The beauty of this concept is so hard to grasp, but I believe I have encountered this beautiful sight.
That night, God spoke so strongly to me and I felt His fierce and zealous affection upon me. A lot of people around me were crying, but I just sat there, still and paralyzed, embracing my brokenness and wondering what this epiphany was going to lead to. At one point, one of the leaders laid his hands on me and prayed. Nothing stuck out, nothing he said really moved me, nothing was aligning with the Holy Spirit, except one thing near the end. He told me that sometimes you may experience God in ways that are unusual, ways that you have never felt before. This was so true because what I had felt at the time was very unfamiliar and even unknown to me.
God desires for us. If anything, God truly desires to have us- all of our heart, soul, mind, and strength. We think we know our desires and what we want, but he knows of something even better than what we know ourselves. He is God, He is our maker, He is the creator of all things, He has plans far greater than ones we have for ourselves. As humans, we are so limited in our capacity of knowledge compared to that of our heavenly Father's wisdom, but if we draw closer to Him, we find out more about ourselves and what is in store for us because our purpose and identity lies in God.
Yes, my identity and purpose lies in God's almighty hand.
This past weekend I went to a retreat with Emmaus campus ministry. Going in with expectations, I left with even more expectations for myself and from God. Unbelievably, this retreat shook me up, awakened me, and even showed me God's works in new ways I have never experienced before.
On Friday night, Pastor Myungwha, an intern pastor at New Philly shared an in depth testimony and passage to us about receiving a new wine skin, hence the theme of this retreat. At only the age of twenty-five, Pastor Myungwha is a recent graduate from seminary, receiving the call to go into full time ministry not too long after graduating Edae Women's Univeristy. Dressed in a white top, gray zip up hoodie and dark wash skinnies, she looked far from being a pastor. In fact, she wasn't that much older than us, and before she had been introduced, I thought she was just another student. However, don't underestimate the impact she had on us, her testimony opened up our hearts and allow feelings we had been suppressing to arise.
Back in the day, wine was precious and new wine was even more precious as it needed to be treated specifically. New wine cannot be poured into old wine skin because doing so, the old wine skin would break. In the same way, we cannot be blessed with gifts from God if we have not let the "old" go- the past, the hurts, the scars, the cuts, the pains. If we were able to receive this new wine, we would break like old wine skin would. God won't give you more than you can handle, and as such, you are not able to receive greater blessings from the Lord if you are holding on to your old self- you just won't be able to handle it. There was a girl who came to the retreat who didn't believe in God, but during the retreat when everyone was praying and crying out to the Lord, she questioned why she didn't wasn't reaching out to God like everyone else did, and this was because God knows she is not ready for it physically and spiritually. Instead, God works in crazy ways and sent her a vision while a leader was praying for her. In her vision, she saw a figure that resembled God, and he was looking right into her eyes. When she told one of her friends, they interpreted that God loves her so much that He wants her attention. He wanted her to feel important, He wanted to make it known to her that He wanted her like he wants everyone else.
As kids we are vulnerable. Growing up and on the hunt for our identity, everyone of us is side tracked, distracted, and tempted onto other paths. Satan loves to target us and draw us away from God before we mature and find our identity in him. He feeds us lies about ourselves, selfish desires, and bounds us with an endless about of suffering. We hold on to these things for so long that we adapt and feel as these secular ambitions and feelings are normal and right. It is when we come to a point where we can let all these things go, and rather, allow our creator to fill us up, that we find freedom. Knowing that regardless of every sin, wrong turn or mistake, our heavenly father still loves us, cares for us, and desires for us each and every day. Imagine that feeling when you realize there is no need to seek your own way or find that ideal future for yourself because it has already been taken care of by someone who knows and loves you more than you know and love yourself. The beauty of this concept is so hard to grasp, but I believe I have encountered this beautiful sight.
That night, God spoke so strongly to me and I felt His fierce and zealous affection upon me. A lot of people around me were crying, but I just sat there, still and paralyzed, embracing my brokenness and wondering what this epiphany was going to lead to. At one point, one of the leaders laid his hands on me and prayed. Nothing stuck out, nothing he said really moved me, nothing was aligning with the Holy Spirit, except one thing near the end. He told me that sometimes you may experience God in ways that are unusual, ways that you have never felt before. This was so true because what I had felt at the time was very unfamiliar and even unknown to me.
God desires for us. If anything, God truly desires to have us- all of our heart, soul, mind, and strength. We think we know our desires and what we want, but he knows of something even better than what we know ourselves. He is God, He is our maker, He is the creator of all things, He has plans far greater than ones we have for ourselves. As humans, we are so limited in our capacity of knowledge compared to that of our heavenly Father's wisdom, but if we draw closer to Him, we find out more about ourselves and what is in store for us because our purpose and identity lies in God.
Yes, my identity and purpose lies in God's almighty hand.
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