Never have I ever been so submissive and learnt submission the hard way. I'm not going to beat around the bush as I know how driven and hard headed I can be when I want my way, but it can also lead me to being quite rebellious in nature and defying others just so I can prove to them that I am able to accomplish what they think I can't. There's also a competitive spirit in me that plays into this, but that sharing will be for another time. Being driven can be highly productive and positive, but it can also take me to places for the wrong reasons and bring forth selfish desires as with this case that blinds me from the bigger picture.
So to summarize a bit, my two friends and I had had plans to go to Thailand and one main reason was to visit our sponsor child on behalf of the nine of us that sponsored her from church starting this past January of 2014. As aware as I was of the political situation these past few months from planning my Southeast Asia trip to being in Asia, I was set on going to Thailand regardless of the circumstances as it wasn't all that serious, or so I thought...until recently. All the planning, time, resources and accommodating measures made would've been such a waste if we (or more like I) were to not go. Also, having had the experiences I've had in travelling alone and hearing stories one only hears of abroad, I know the news only showcases the worst pictorials on national television and only depicts one side of a story. I understand of course that if safety wasn't an issue then it wouldn't be on the news, but I was still set on going despite my knowledge of all this. I wasn't being ignorant of the political unrest, military coup or anything, but inquiring local connections in Bangkok proved to me that I was able to travel there despite the present circumstances as they told me everything else is still fine and Thailand is just as safe as any other SEA country. I know that God is bigger than my fears and ultimately, I just wasn't at all scared to go with His strength behind and before me. Yet, my only hesitant was going at the cost of my parentals, friends and leaders' worries and wishes and perhaps I was challenging God?
Also, this trip was not a me-Miss-Sarah-solo-female-take-on-the-world trip so I would be very selfish if I still persisted in going even if my friends had decided not to. This past week there was not a spare moment where I didn't ponder on this thought battle of mine and I felt it sucked a part of my joy from me as well as intimacy in my friendships. I really really realllllly REALLY wanted to go to Thailand and though the political reality is out there, a part of me became apathetic about it. I had so many questions about why it was so hard to make this decision and if I wasn't to go, a plan B or some alternative would have had to be made ASAP. The clock was ticking and I despised feeling such pressure to submit even though I didn't feel the need or wanted to. It was as if people were praying for a change of heart for me and I myself was also asking God to reveal to me what the outcome of this was to be creating this constant tension in my mind and heart where I was in this repetitive debate.
At the very least, I was reminded that there was no better reason to not go than to honor my parents, but not only them but also the leaders I confided in. So sucking up my ego, my desires, my selfishness, and lack of judgement I may or may not have had, I submitted as hard as it was. To be honest, I still think I would make it out alive in Thailand and have the faith that it still be a good trip, but I think I would've also spent a lot of I time thinking about what my family and friends would be thinking back home and wouldn't have had the excitement and anticipation I had at the start when planning for this trip. Submitting sucks, submission is hard, and I'm still constantly reminding myself to be at peace with the decision only divine hands could've interfered with, but I'm also learning and growing into who God wants me to be.
Wow I feel I've been so immature in my thinking and acting just writing all of this right now. I wanted my way so bad that I forgot of how great our God is and that even if this door closes, another one in his timing will open-perhaps even better than I could ever imagine. In another perspective, it also confirms how strongly I feel that there's a more significant reason of why I'm to be in Seoul for so long and in what He's going to reveal to me. To be honest, in hindsight I see a handful of scenarios that actually had had me reroute the Thailand leg of my trip...so maybe it wasn't a matter if I was to go or not, but rather a test from God to submit not just this decision but my-self as well as my peace into his hands.
Here's to...I don't know what. I'm still a tad bitter about the issue, but I'm not letting it hold me back.
Let it go.
So to summarize a bit, my two friends and I had had plans to go to Thailand and one main reason was to visit our sponsor child on behalf of the nine of us that sponsored her from church starting this past January of 2014. As aware as I was of the political situation these past few months from planning my Southeast Asia trip to being in Asia, I was set on going to Thailand regardless of the circumstances as it wasn't all that serious, or so I thought...until recently. All the planning, time, resources and accommodating measures made would've been such a waste if we (or more like I) were to not go. Also, having had the experiences I've had in travelling alone and hearing stories one only hears of abroad, I know the news only showcases the worst pictorials on national television and only depicts one side of a story. I understand of course that if safety wasn't an issue then it wouldn't be on the news, but I was still set on going despite my knowledge of all this. I wasn't being ignorant of the political unrest, military coup or anything, but inquiring local connections in Bangkok proved to me that I was able to travel there despite the present circumstances as they told me everything else is still fine and Thailand is just as safe as any other SEA country. I know that God is bigger than my fears and ultimately, I just wasn't at all scared to go with His strength behind and before me. Yet, my only hesitant was going at the cost of my parentals, friends and leaders' worries and wishes and perhaps I was challenging God?
Also, this trip was not a me-Miss-Sarah-solo-female-take-on-the-world trip so I would be very selfish if I still persisted in going even if my friends had decided not to. This past week there was not a spare moment where I didn't ponder on this thought battle of mine and I felt it sucked a part of my joy from me as well as intimacy in my friendships. I really really realllllly REALLY wanted to go to Thailand and though the political reality is out there, a part of me became apathetic about it. I had so many questions about why it was so hard to make this decision and if I wasn't to go, a plan B or some alternative would have had to be made ASAP. The clock was ticking and I despised feeling such pressure to submit even though I didn't feel the need or wanted to. It was as if people were praying for a change of heart for me and I myself was also asking God to reveal to me what the outcome of this was to be creating this constant tension in my mind and heart where I was in this repetitive debate.
At the very least, I was reminded that there was no better reason to not go than to honor my parents, but not only them but also the leaders I confided in. So sucking up my ego, my desires, my selfishness, and lack of judgement I may or may not have had, I submitted as hard as it was. To be honest, I still think I would make it out alive in Thailand and have the faith that it still be a good trip, but I think I would've also spent a lot of I time thinking about what my family and friends would be thinking back home and wouldn't have had the excitement and anticipation I had at the start when planning for this trip. Submitting sucks, submission is hard, and I'm still constantly reminding myself to be at peace with the decision only divine hands could've interfered with, but I'm also learning and growing into who God wants me to be.
Wow I feel I've been so immature in my thinking and acting just writing all of this right now. I wanted my way so bad that I forgot of how great our God is and that even if this door closes, another one in his timing will open-perhaps even better than I could ever imagine. In another perspective, it also confirms how strongly I feel that there's a more significant reason of why I'm to be in Seoul for so long and in what He's going to reveal to me. To be honest, in hindsight I see a handful of scenarios that actually had had me reroute the Thailand leg of my trip...so maybe it wasn't a matter if I was to go or not, but rather a test from God to submit not just this decision but my-self as well as my peace into his hands.
Here's to...I don't know what. I'm still a tad bitter about the issue, but I'm not letting it hold me back.
Let it go.
