Wish you may, Wish you might

With Christmas behind us now and a new year coming, this is usually a time of reflection for most people. When I think of reflections, I think of resolutions, and then I come to realize the lack of success in my resolutions, well, all but one. This was a resolution set back in 2006 when I set out to read the bible from cover to cover. I was in grade nine and I was on a "Christian high" coming home from my first winter conference experience. Actually, I've mentioned this before, but grade 8 and 9 were the highlights of my faith. I stepped out of my bubble, I wasn't afraid to tell my friends about God nor would I care about what they would think. I feel that as a teen I was able to get away with my beliefs as those are the few years you can rebel and figuring out your identity (and who cares if I'm judge). Also, I would pretty much attend every christian event that was advertised at church: mission fest, spring retreat, YC, etc. Looking back now,I wonder how I had so much energy back then to constantly attend these conferences/retreats/events and go year after year (20 is definitely a milestone!).

So yes, I did finish reading the bible at one point, but it wasn't "quality" reading for sure, more like "quantity" reading so that I would finish within the year. Pacing each night before I went to bed eventually led me from Genesis to Revelations by November of that year. I have to admit though, I would often read for the sake of reading without focusing on the significance of the passage or the deeper meaning behind the verses when I didn't understand something. So I never consider myself having read the bible from cover to cover in a spiritual sense, though logically, I did.

Now that it's that time of year again to set a goal for myself, I really don't know. Would I want to read the bible cover to cover again? I would have to say no as I don't feel I should be reading the bible just for the sake of accomplishing a goal. I rather read it spontaneously when I want to rather then consistently force myself to read it. I know others may disagree with this logic of mine, as reading the bible is an important part of our christian walk, thus we should make it a habit in our daily lives instead of reading when we want to.

I find that as I'm getting older, sometimes its harder to show my faith. Perhaps this process is working the other way around for me. As a teen, you want to blend in and are stereotype to conform to what your peers are doing, but I was one that spoke out about my faith and what I believed in, and even told non-believers the latest christian event I was attending. In reverse, now as a young adult, I find myself retreating from living out my religion when I'm around non-Christians and secular environments. Usually it's an indirect matter and I just notice this personally, but it's hindering me spiritually and I know change is needed. I really yearn for that confidence back in my early teenage days when the only judgement I cared for wasn't from anyone on Earth. I know that God isn't pleased when I make it a selective portrayal of who I am depending on who I'm with.

Maybe this should be my coming resolution, and not just a resolution, but a continual tune up for myself. On a side note, scrap what I said about winter con in my last post, I miss attending so much. I have been swarmed with constant thoughts about my previous winter cons and I find myself day dreaming about it this whole week and wondering what it be like if I was there (and not working). If only... but I guess I would never have come to realize this if I hadn't decide to not go this year.

=(