Playing Judge {dos}

Its one matter to have an expressive voice, but another matter to release words, even unspoken words in an unruly manner.

I have always acknowledge the power of one's voice. I never believed in that century old saying:

"Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me" -Unknown

As cliche as this line is, I always considered it to be thirteen words of falsity. Other than being literally correct, who ever came up with this was oblivious to the strength of one's speech. I'm voicing bluntly, but I remain genuine in what I have to say.

I never thought I would be accused of my own words. Maybe when I was younger, but definitely not now. A friend told me earlier this week that I was judging her: I was judging her for her actions, I was judging her for something she had done, I was judging her by my voice, which didn't even speak outloud. It all came down to the verdict of a text message. That was what initiated the accusations imposed upon me by my dear friend. Who would've thought that a mere ten words or less could've sparked trial and sent me to the court of friendship?

To say I was hurt by her choice of words would be an understatement. I felt as if her tone of voice shattered me as high notes quiver glass. It brought back memories of grade school and how I would be accused of lying, passing on a rumor and even leaking the highest pinky-swear code of a friendship: letting a secret out. I admit I wasn't the "best" friend to have when I was younger. I didn't know what was my right to be shared, even if I had made a promise. Thus, throughout elementary I had best friends that in my friendship equation converted to just 'good' friends, to even what I eventually termed 'bad' friends.

So, I made a decision to change myself. I would be honest, use what logic a eight to ten year old had to make right from wrong decisions and make an effort to keep my mouth shut when told secrets. I wanted to maintain my friendships and be a "best" friend my friends could have. This planned was pretty effective and as I grew older, I would take the first step to say "sorry," I would write a letter to ensure my friend wasn't mad at me, and I would definitely ask for forgiveness when I broke the law book of friendship.

All in all, I'm not boasting that I'm a great friend now, because I'm just as human as all my friends are-flawed. To this day I don't designate anyone as my best friend, perhaps because of my loss and gain cycle of friends back in my childhood. Yet, having this close friend accused me was painstakingly awful. It felt like a rendition of a past voice from my encyclopedia of bad mouthing friendships. Yes, she may have said it out of her emotions, but little did she know the effect it had on me.

When the prolonging of her voice slowly trailed off, I was able to reflect on the conflict underlying our words. After a quick meditation, I couldn't let this horrendous feeling linger in me nor her. I decided to take the first step as I had done when I was younger, but in a 21st century sympathetic manner, via text message (due to the setting we were in, this was the quickest means and sometimes it's way easier to confront silently than face to face). I worded my sorry carefully while still showering my opinionated voice in a way that was sincere, rather than in an attitude-giving kind of way as I had done with the first text. I never thought that the initial statement I had sent would've made her think that I was better than her, but in all honesty, I realize the intention of my words what I hadn't at the time.

She was right. I was judging.

With my mouth, I reasoned it as care, but in her eyes, my alignment of words were raucous. I was a revised version of the bad friend self I was more than a decade ago. And that feeling was worse than the agonizing chill she had sent me.

Fortunately, some things don't change and being the initiator revitalized the situation. My apology had not only released our tug of words, but it also opened up my friend to share with me how my strong voice was the last blow to her current struggles.

It may be a different situation, a different friend, a different set of words, a different means of communicating, but the message will always remain the same. Sometimes, it just takes more than one trial to realize the truth in one's voice.

and the accusations were dropped