Submission

Never have I ever been so submissive and learnt submission the hard way. I'm not going to beat around the bush as I know how driven and hard headed I can be when I want my way, but it can also lead me to being quite rebellious in nature and defying others just so I can prove to them that I am able to accomplish what they think I can't. There's also a competitive spirit in me that plays into this, but that sharing will be for another time. Being driven can be highly productive and positive, but it can also take me to places for the wrong reasons and bring forth selfish desires as with this case that blinds me from the bigger picture.

So to summarize a bit, my two friends and I had had plans to go to Thailand and one main reason was to visit our sponsor child on behalf of the nine of us that sponsored her from church starting this past January of 2014. As aware as I was of the political situation these past few months from planning my Southeast Asia trip to being in Asia, I was set on going to Thailand regardless of the circumstances as it wasn't all that serious, or so I thought...until recently. All the planning, time, resources and accommodating measures made would've been such a waste if we (or more like I) were to not go. Also, having had the experiences I've had in travelling alone and hearing stories one only hears of abroad, I know the news only showcases the worst pictorials on national television and only depicts one side of a story. I understand of course that if safety wasn't an issue then it wouldn't be on the news, but I was still set on going despite my knowledge of all this. I wasn't being ignorant of the political unrest, military coup or anything, but inquiring local connections in Bangkok proved to me that I was able to travel there despite the present circumstances as they told me everything else is still fine and Thailand is just as safe as any other SEA country. I know that God is bigger than my fears and ultimately, I just wasn't at all scared to go with His strength behind and before me. Yet, my only hesitant was going at the cost of my parentals, friends and leaders' worries and wishes and perhaps I was challenging God?

Also, this trip was not a me-Miss-Sarah-solo-female-take-on-the-world trip so I would be very selfish if I still persisted in going even if my friends had decided not to. This past week there was not a spare moment where I didn't ponder on this thought battle of mine and I felt it sucked a part of my joy from me as well as intimacy in my friendships. I really really realllllly REALLY wanted to go to Thailand and though the political reality is out there, a part of me became apathetic about it. I had so many questions about why it  was so hard to make this decision and if I wasn't to go, a plan B or some alternative would have had to be made ASAP. The clock was ticking and I despised feeling such pressure to submit even though I didn't feel the need or wanted to. It was as if people were praying for a change of heart for me and I myself was also asking God to reveal to me what the outcome of this was to be creating this constant tension in my mind and heart where I was in this repetitive debate.

At the very least, I was reminded that there was no better reason to not go than to honor my parents, but not only them but also the leaders I confided in. So sucking up my ego, my desires, my selfishness, and lack of judgement I may or may not have had, I submitted as hard as it was. To be honest,  I still think I would make it out alive in Thailand and have the faith that it still be a good trip, but I think I would've also spent a lot of I time thinking about what my family and friends would be thinking back home and wouldn't have had the excitement and anticipation I had at the start when planning for this trip. Submitting sucks, submission is hard, and I'm still constantly reminding myself to be at peace with the decision only divine hands could've interfered with, but I'm also learning and growing into who God wants me to be.

Wow I feel I've been so immature in my thinking and acting just writing all of this right now. I wanted my way so bad that I forgot of how great our God is and that even if this door closes, another one in his timing will open-perhaps even better than I could ever imagine. In another perspective, it also confirms how strongly I feel that there's a more significant reason of why I'm to be in Seoul for so long and in what He's going to reveal to me. To be honest, in hindsight I see a handful of scenarios that actually had had me reroute the Thailand leg of my trip...so maybe it wasn't a matter if I was to go or not, but rather a test from God to submit not just this decision but my-self as well as my peace into his hands.

Here's to...I don't know what. I'm still a tad bitter about the issue, but I'm not letting it hold me back.


Let it go.

Hospitable You

I left Singapore astounded at how much God provided, blessed, and opened my eyes to. I realized how much He had prepared in advance for me and how much I don't deserve, yet am freely given. Since praying for this trip back in September, I'm noting how much has already been answered and I don't doubt what God can do and will answer in the days, weeks, and months to come.

Hospitality really stood out for me in Singapore. Friendly city, western style of living, and most of all, hospitable people. I knew Singapore would be comfortable for me from the start as it's not only an technologically advanced country, but I have an exchange friend there, so having a break from hostels and self introductions would be nice after going for an extended amount of time doing so. What was unexpected was being treated so well and catered to by the like of so many others.

Upon arrival, my friend's boyfriend drove to the airport to pick me up and treated me to my very first Singaporean dinner. He basically treated me a lot throughout the whole time I was in Singapore and wouldn't let me pay him back and the same goes for others as well. As wonderful as it was, this made me feel bad and in an awkward position in not knowing how to return all of their kind gestures, but to tell them they must come to Canada one day so I can treat them back.

Knowing I wanted to spend Easter in Singapore, I got to meet my friend's small group and I never felt more welcomed or so loved either. Her leader had asked if it was okay to take me out for dinner despite his busy schedule as a church leader, young father and having a full time job. Yet another small group member kindly gave me a tour of the city after church, while others joined to keep me company as my friend had to study for her final paper that day. I'm literally a stranger to them so initially I felt this was very strange because their  kindness was above and beyond even the expected welcoming etiquette. At the same time though, it felt so awesome to be treated this way, not only as my friend's friend, but as a guest and like their own friend as well.

It's also such a tremendous blessing as initially I had budgeted more for Singapore knowing it had a higher cost to it compared to other Southeast Asian countries. Ironically it turns out I became under budget due to all these unexpected gestures of kindness.

I really came to appreciate not only the acts but the people as well. I even asked one person if they treat new people often and why, in which they replied in agreement because it makes that new comer feel welcomed, and I couldn't concur more. It's not like my friend or any of them are generous because they have plenty to spare, in fact, my friend and her boyfriend are actually going on a grad trip to Europe soon so I didn't want nor expect them to pay for me as I know the need to save when planning for an extended holiday. However, my time in Singapore retaught me the importance of being generous, doing good deeds, and how wonderfully significant treating someone is. I feel the whole 'Going Dutch' (paying separately) style of paying in the western world has water downed down the want to pay for someone else, let alone someone you barely know. It also made me rethink my perspective on how many people including myself use the excuse "I'm broke" to opt out of doing something or going out when we literally aren't just to save money.

I also find it interesting how giving and being generous can create a domino effect. Just think of the buzz of people who pay for the order behind them in a Tim Horton's drive thru or positive messages left randomly on campus, or those heard of that tip an extraordinary amount to help that waiter or waitress pay for their bills/tuition. There's definitely good in the world, but it shouldn't be just a trend or phase people go through, rather a lifestyle as I've experienced.

Thank You so much Singapore! 

On Beauty

This is going to be one honest post. Not saying my other posts aren't, but there's always something new to be revealed about someone, especially when that someone is yourself.

Since the start of this trip and going as minimalistic as possible, I've  realized what a huge learning experience it has been in the extent of attempting to be as low maintanence as possible. I use to be and still am very focus on outwardedly beauty. I think since becoming an adolescent and being exposed to the world of makeup, magazines, and what the media tells you to look likes makes every teenage girl strive to look good, look pretty, and look beautiful rather be-YOU-tiful. They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but I have come to acknowledge that beauty is in the eye of everyone. You shouldn't be less beautiful just because someone doesn't think you are beautiful and neither should you feel ugly because you don't meet standards that are set by another perspective. How odd is it that how we value our own's worth is base on what others think because it shouldn't be that way.

We've all heard that God made us all in His image, and thus we are all made beautiful and good, but how many of us actually believe that whole heartedly? I know for one, this was hard for me to grasp because I never felt good enough and my outwardly self image of myself definitely impacted my confidence and who I am on the inside. I've struggled for outwardly attention in the past, place my identity on other things than God's precious daughter not realizing the amount of how time and effort I spend on myself could've be used elsewhere. Now I'm not saying to look like a bum and not care how you look at all (how ironic this is coming from a textile and clothing graduate), but I feel for girls (and guys) it's important to not prioritize it as the end of the world if you're makeup or hair is not perfect.

A while back I posted on my tumbr about this article here. Though it's quite an interesting take on a female traveller's lifestyle, I know the first point really jumped out at me because I would make sure that my hair looks right or that tan lines are out of the question because I would've always had sunscreen on. What's interesting is that now I'm in her shoes, I actually find myself gradually caring less and respectively putting less time into myself. I notice I'm more confident in my looks and I feel traveling has brought forth a stronger character out of me. Maybe it's the epiphany that most travellers don't even bother with looking good or that it's averaging 30C here in SouthEast Asia that what you have on your face will end up melting, but regardless I'm thankful to see the beauty in myself and others through God's eyes and know that what He thinks is above all.

God is Speaking

One reason I came back to Korea was to find answers. I had feelings that God would speak to me back in a place where I had unforgettable memories that kept me questioning for more these past few months. I had my hesitations, and I had my expectations, but it wasn't made clear to me until a sermon yesterday that it doesn't matter where I am or where I go, because it won't solve my problems now or my questions for the future. Instead, what matters most is what's in my soul, what my intentions are, and how my plans are Heaven oriented instead of (Earthly) destination oriented.

I think I've been prioritizing where I am to "settle" more than what I am to do when I am in wherever God places. Since officially completing all the requirements of my studies, I've been asked what my plans are, what's next, and it makes sense as that tends to be the natural course of our life. I mean, we didn't ust go to school for at least seventeen plus years just to be educated. Ultimately, it's to find a relatively decent job, be financially stable, and be able to maintain one's life style and eventually a family if this ideal plays out.

Though, my responses and thoughts have been full of uncertainty. What's certain is that I'm a curious and greedy one. Curiosity that keeps me going and discontent with the fact of "settling," and greedy in the sense that I want to be everywhere at any point of time and hoping that I can do much with little. I honestly have no clue where to start, but I also know planting seeds here and there won't bear any fruit. Instead, I really need to concentrate and focus my time and resources into one area, allow it to come to fruition, AND THEN branch out. I don't regret where I've gone or what I've done as I wouldn't be where or who I am if it wasn't for the past, but I feel my mind is being transformed and molded closer to who and what God wants me to be doing.

I'm travelling to find answers and I know God is speaking because He already has. I no longer see or feel the pressure to eventually return "home" and have everything put together. Neither do I see returning back to Korea a solution to my uncertainty, but I do know that this trip was planned for a purpose beyond me and where I am to go, what I am to see, and who I am to meet has all been orchestrated by our God Almighty.

If you want to listen to the sermon I mentioned earlier, it is here.  

An Unwritten Friendship

In my last post, I mentioned about preparing for a trip and here I am writing from my aisle seat abroad United Airlines-which for the record hasn't been as bad as people told me...except for the fact that I don't get my own movie screen, but that just justifies my cheap ticket. I still got to watch Frozen though and finally understood all the hype and references that's been all over my Facebook news feed.

So where and why am I headed?

I'm going back to Korea and down to Southeast Asia to visit my exchange friends and church family there. I've been nostalgic and holding onto memories for as long as I've left and this trip will be partly discovering if there's anything more in store for me in Korea besides partly being a vacation and reflection of what's to come. I probably won't be blogging here as often, but my travel blog (Phollow Me There) will definitely be updated with adventures and stories to tell as I go.

As sappy as I am to leave for an extended period of time (as always), I couldn't have felt more confirmation about embarking on this trip. I've been praying for God to fill this trip up with divine appointments and boy did He blow me away this early morning.

On board my first flight from YEG to SFO (San Fran, a young mom and her two year old sat beside me in the window seat. She looked friendly enough for me to start a conversation so I asked her where she was off to. This led to her telling me about how her husband just came back from a mission trip to Africa from Redding, California where they currently reside and she had decided to visit home in Edmonton with her daughter while he was away. I wanted to be sure so I asked if she was a Christian and she confirmed my suspicions as I shared with her that we had the same faith. I could tell she lit up as I did at the fact of our mutual foundation.

I'm so glad I broke the ice (though I'm sure if I didn't she would've) because the more we conversed, the more I realized how uncoincidental our meet up was. Her husband is actually studying at Bethel theology school in Redding and they had moved here on a student visa. They're home church happens to be Sherwood Park Alliance-how neat is that? The Alliance world sure is small. I told her a brief background about my newly graduate self, and shared with her my travel plans in exploring what is next for me. It felt so comfortable to talk with her as if we were friends from the start.

We stopped conversing as she was hoping her daughter would fall asleep and I had the same hope for myself knowing that a long day of air cruising would drain me. Towards the last leg of the flight, I decided to write in my journal to document this divine appointment. I felt embarassed because from my peripheral I saw her glance over and I kept trying to manoeuvre my writing in a sly way so she wouldn't know I was writing about her. I guess there'e not much you can hide when you're right next to each other. Anyhow, shortly after I finished wriiting she brought up the topic of me being in fashion and how she realized what a "light" I could be in an industry that can be quite the other way around. She asked if she could pray for me and laid her hands on my shoulder to do so. She mentioned how divine this moment was and I knew she definitely had looked at my journal because my title was "Divine Appointment #1".

I don't recall everything she said, but her prayer moved me to tears. I realized how amazing God is and how much He was looking out for me despite my worries deep down. I felt she was very on the ball about me in her prayers and I even think she's gifted prophetically. Before we departed on our separate journeys, we exchanged contact information and she even extended a welcome to me to stay with her family if I ever wanted to visit Bethel and Redding.

This has got to be the best in flight conversation with a stranger  sister ever! God melts my heart. Here's to many more of these divine moments.

P.S. She told me she was very thankful because she had been praying for someone nice to sit beside her and her daughter-in her twos, but not a bit terrible.

The Push

Reflecting on this month, I can't believe it's already the last day of March. I can't be more thankful for March and all that I got to partake in.

I finished the abs challenge (Greetings, stronger core!), prepared Coffeehouse with an awesome fellowship, promoted for summer camp, met up with many friends, finished my adult strokes course, anticipated changes during this NEAC transition, wrapped up my trip planning (more details to come), and went to meetings upon meetings with joy, and felt the Push.

What do I mean by the Push?

The "Push" is what I called the works of the Holy Spirit in my life. I can't be more honest and say how much I didn't want to share my deepest and darkest moments in an audience of 60 plus. I can't dare say that it was my own decision because from the start I had built up a wall of excuse of why I shouldn't share. However, I should've known you can't pull a Jonah on God. You can't run away, you can't deny it, and you can't just push the thought aside when it's growing and pushing itself on you.

Yesterday's push was a reality of my life. I never felt so vulnerable in front of my brothers and sisters at my home (and extended) church. I coined the term "sob monster" because that's what I felt I was, though I kept reminding myself that I need to be the change I want to see, and if not, I shouldn't be turning down an opportunity God has given me to glorify and bring praises to Him at the very least. There was no reason not to share.-that would've been selfish if I let my own comfort zone hold me back from doing what God had willed.

Today, I couldn't stop thinking about yesterday. I can't even recall what I said, except telling everyone that I gained a bit of 'hope' from being accepted into swimming lessons (please ask me for deets). God has quite the humor of getting me to do things, oh the irony of it all. Way before the execution of last night, I was the one looking for people to share. It was hard I admit because I kept getting turned down, and I understand that it was a bold request that I was asking, one that was atypical and would make people confront their fears. Finally, I had a list of four, but 2/4 were not a full on yes. I had wagered with God that if any one of the four I had on the list decided not to share, that it meant I had to share (my friend had asked prior to why I didn't considered sharing and I had no good answer to that). But deep down, I had already knew the answer that I didn't want to submit to.

Fast forward, I hadn't heard a confirmation from the two and texting one of them the day before, they had deceided they didn't want to share, which was absolutely okay. I accepted that, but what I wasn't accepting was that it meant I was her replacement. I didn't want to think of it that way because I knew God knew all along. I knew there must've been a reason because even though I kept telling myself I didn't want to share, what God wanted me to say kept flooding my mind leading up to Coffeehouse. I knew there was something more to me just opening my mouth. God was going to speak through me.

And He did. 

And I was more astounded by the feedback (from not only mine, but the other 3 sharings as well) when it all finished. I may have said some things that related to others, may have shocked some people with my sharing, may have made people uncomfortable with my tears, but it doesn't matter. I know I made God happy.

I am also thankful for the gratitude I've received. I love planning, I really do, but it warms my heart that people appreciate it. It warms my heart even more when I hear people want future events like this.

Serving God totally brings me Joy. JOY JOY JOY! On another note, my New York roomie/friend/classmate as mentioned here is GETTING BAPTISED. I'm awestruck by how GOoD He is and the only tinge of sadness about this is that I won't be in town for it, but I know His plans are to prosper and I should rejoice regardless.


It's Your b r e a t h e in my lungs.

Have You Started?

Before the clock strikes twelve tonight I really want to share about what I'm "lenting" on.

Today marks the beginning of Lent, fourty days before Easter. For as long as I can remember, growing up in Catholic schools kept me reminded of something I should give up or commit to doing more of something beneficial during this period. In the past, I've succeeded at giving up chocolate and sweets and it was quite gratifying knowing I was able to deprive myself of those things, but I made a mental note that I didn't want to do something I've given up before.

This time around, it didn't hit me that Lent was coming up until two days ago. Not being in school and being quite occupied lately has made me delirious of dates and all. It's no excuse knowing I was short on time in thinking what I was going to do, so I've been on ponder mode since the awareness of it has creeped in. I actually had a hard time deciding what I was going to do because I felt my desires were quite selfish and just beneficial to myself instead of glorifying God. Finally I had a light bulb moment that instead of giving up something (which I always considered harder), why not work on something that I have been lacking in?! This led to the idea of resting and eventually to a challenge to pray and have quiet time with God consistently and intently these next fourty days. Sounds easy right?

Well it was quite the impulse decision on a whim, but I already foresee how much I had underestimated the depth of this commitment. However, also how fruitful this can be if I listen to the guiding of the Holy Spirit and accomplish this.

I will just have to wait and see. Time will definitely tell and I highly encourage you to give up or do more of something this Lent season. Its a great test of perserverance and I find that it helps build aspects of your character depending on what you choose to do.

Happy Lenting & don't forget the reason for why you are doing so!