Yes, goodbyes are never ever easy.
But, not even getting to say goodbye makes it even harder.
I've never felt so torned from leaving a place and heading back home. Sometimes I wish I could be in two places at the same time or have the power of teleportation to travel between locations in the blink of an eye. Residing in a new place leads to new relationships being built in my social circle, which is why by the end of my time away from home, its not about the destination anymore, but about the friendships, intimacy, and memories that have been established there.
Sometimes timing just has it that you gain some, and you lose some. I just hate the feeling of knowing that some close friends back in Edmonton will be moving away for work or leaving from a visit before I get back. I know its not the end of the world and that our paths will surely cross again, but not knowing the when part really sucks.
As my departure draws near, a rush of nostalgia from my stay here in New York comes flooding, and the sappy me has me holding on tightly to every moment left to embrace. All the while, a growing anticipation leads my heart to go home already to see faces I've dearly missed, and me only wishing I could fly out earlier.
I never learn my lesson do I? I should just stop jet setting and calling cities I travel to and reside in "home" right? I feel I always leave a piece of me behind and when it comes to leaving, it only gets more difficult.
Now I know how my friends feel when I leave. My heart aches. Such bittersweetness.
Home is where the heart is. Wherever that may be.
Monday, August 12, 2013
Sunday, July 28, 2013
Touched by God
I recently realize that there comes a point where I reach a change in perspective and meaning while living away from home. During my exchange in Seoul, that happened shortly after a month. Now in New York, I think I have caught myself going through this transition again. It's when I realize God is ultimately in control of where I am, what I'm doing what He's doing, who I meet, how I think, and ultimately why I'm here.
Prayers answered from what was once disguise, messages that draw tears to my eyes, divine conversations and moments that blow my mind...
I've been taking in the idea of how God is using me and have set apart a time such as this for me to come here not just for my own selfish (or so I thought) ambitions. I know anything is possible, but His impeccable measures to cover up my flaws that go before me with His selfless grace that covers me is pretty darn good. Blown away by this truth, I am in awe of the situation He has placed me in and what this has led to.
I never thought how much my actions and words had impacted, been observed, and even influenced, until living with one of my roommates. She has been someone I've been reconnected with over and over again since our final month of High school. You can say we have quite similar interests which seems to lead us to continually cross paths, but I always thought it couldn't be that coincidental. Before coming, I even suggested to a mutual friend that perhaps from rooming together, I could share Christianity with her. Little did I know that God didn't take that lightly.
This friend I'm living with, she's been exposed and acquainted with Christianity, and I acknowledge how God has been pursuing a relationship with her through divine appointments and interventions that she shared but never grasped herself. Initially praying casually for her, to having her want to attend church with a fellow Christian roommate and I, you can imagine how blown away I was when she told me last week,
"I felt a breakthrough"
after service. I was so overjoyed and thankful that the holy spirit answered my crying out during intercession and stirred up a better understanding for her to grasp this whole concept of being a sinner and knowing that there is a God that accepts us just the way we are. Just those words gave me more confidence to share my identity as a Christian and this past week, a very deep and emotional unexpected conversation followed. Right away, I knew that God had set this up beforehand and entrusted me to be a tool for His service. I felt courage came easy and asked if I could pray for her, asking God to release healing upon her wounded heart. After an hour or so of talking, I know she felt better, but I don't know how much of an impact that was on her. I might've overwhelmed her with my own experiences and sharing of faith. Though, I was humbled that God had this purpose for me and I knew that regardless of how I did, she was in the best hands of the universe.
Today, I had a touching service and I could go on and on about it, but God really opened my mind to the things He was doing and what He can do through me. As much as fashion is my passion, its nothing without striving towards a present and eternal relationship with the omnipresent one. For all things ceases on this Earth, but His kingdom endures forever. Stemming from my previous post, there will always be lack in what I do if its apart from God.
My friend is progressively seeking and I ask that you lift her up in your prayers. There are many questions I don't hold the answers to and many things I could improve on as a roommate and friend, but I'm glad that God can use me to witness to her even with my imperfections.
Don't doubt what He is About
Prayers answered from what was once disguise, messages that draw tears to my eyes, divine conversations and moments that blow my mind...
I've been taking in the idea of how God is using me and have set apart a time such as this for me to come here not just for my own selfish (or so I thought) ambitions. I know anything is possible, but His impeccable measures to cover up my flaws that go before me with His selfless grace that covers me is pretty darn good. Blown away by this truth, I am in awe of the situation He has placed me in and what this has led to.
I never thought how much my actions and words had impacted, been observed, and even influenced, until living with one of my roommates. She has been someone I've been reconnected with over and over again since our final month of High school. You can say we have quite similar interests which seems to lead us to continually cross paths, but I always thought it couldn't be that coincidental. Before coming, I even suggested to a mutual friend that perhaps from rooming together, I could share Christianity with her. Little did I know that God didn't take that lightly.
This friend I'm living with, she's been exposed and acquainted with Christianity, and I acknowledge how God has been pursuing a relationship with her through divine appointments and interventions that she shared but never grasped herself. Initially praying casually for her, to having her want to attend church with a fellow Christian roommate and I, you can imagine how blown away I was when she told me last week,
"I felt a breakthrough"
after service. I was so overjoyed and thankful that the holy spirit answered my crying out during intercession and stirred up a better understanding for her to grasp this whole concept of being a sinner and knowing that there is a God that accepts us just the way we are. Just those words gave me more confidence to share my identity as a Christian and this past week, a very deep and emotional unexpected conversation followed. Right away, I knew that God had set this up beforehand and entrusted me to be a tool for His service. I felt courage came easy and asked if I could pray for her, asking God to release healing upon her wounded heart. After an hour or so of talking, I know she felt better, but I don't know how much of an impact that was on her. I might've overwhelmed her with my own experiences and sharing of faith. Though, I was humbled that God had this purpose for me and I knew that regardless of how I did, she was in the best hands of the universe.
Today, I had a touching service and I could go on and on about it, but God really opened my mind to the things He was doing and what He can do through me. As much as fashion is my passion, its nothing without striving towards a present and eternal relationship with the omnipresent one. For all things ceases on this Earth, but His kingdom endures forever. Stemming from my previous post, there will always be lack in what I do if its apart from God.
My friend is progressively seeking and I ask that you lift her up in your prayers. There are many questions I don't hold the answers to and many things I could improve on as a roommate and friend, but I'm glad that God can use me to witness to her even with my imperfections.
Don't doubt what He is About
Sunday, July 14, 2013
Welcome to Church
I can't believe I was in a church today.
This past week, I have been digging a pessimistic hole for myself. I didn't really notice it until I reflected back and shared with a friend, but I must say I was pretty bitter and unhappy about quite a few things. I guess with every experience there are its ups and downs, but I came to realize that my unhappiness stemmed from a lack of spiritual support and fellowship. I do miss my home church, my SICs, and the joy of a consistent fellowship. I admit that one huge downside to being somewhat of a jet-setter is that you miss out on what's going on at home, thus when you return, you find yourself having to catch up on all that went on as to be "in" on everyone's lives again.
Since coming to NYC, I've been unintentionally church hopping every week. I haven't gone to the same church twice in a row yet. One reason being is that there were quite a few churches I wanted to check out thanks to recommendations, but also because my fellow roomie and friend is still trying to find a church she can call a permanent home. With any big cities, there are multiple mega churches, but also many smaller congregations that remind me of my church back home. Before this Sunday, I've been going to more traditional and somewhat conservative churches, and I realized how much I missed an upbeat worship service.
Today was the other extreme. I went to Hillsong, the well known Australian worship band and church that has expanded to the Big Apple. Famous enough for those in the christian world to recognize their name, I knew I had to go upon finding out about their existence and the fact that there would definitely be upbeat music. Upon my arrival, I couldn't believe I was heading into a church. It was a dark building with only red spotlights and we were told to stand in the back downstairs or find seats upstairs (there are five services every Sunday, but people line up early to get a seat each service). It felt like I was entering a YC concert event back in my younger teenage days, but also into a place far from what could be considered a church, and I was right, this place was a club rented out. I think their approach is neat as it reaches out to a huge student population (close to NYU campus) and young adult demographic, and it surely does attract people from all places, ages, races and backgrounds to come and check out how "cool" church can be. Hip enough to grab attention, and grounded enough to maintain followers, I was excited to be there, yet questioned if I was at a tourist attraction than a place of worship due to Hillsong's hype and popularity.
Shortly, my concerns were clarified and answered by the pastor who welcomed everyone. First stating bluntly that "Coming to a church doesn't make you a Christian just like going to Krispy Creme doesn't make you a donut," it probably convicted some intentions of their presence. He was an engaging and hilarious speaker, and had an approachable and attention grabbing manner to convict, yet state the truth about being a Christian and putting the focus on God during worship (might I add that he has an awesome Australian accent). Worship did feel like a YC concert, but the loud volume and high energy drew my senses to focus on the lyrics and reminded me of who I am and who He is. The actual preacher was an African American by the name of Priscilla. She is an anointed and knowledgeable woman of God making me boldly vouch that she spoke life into each person there standing or sitting, young or old, married or single, female or male. For me, the holy spirit was using her to break down walls of ugly feelings and emotions in my heart and mind that have accumulated lately, while inflaming a renewed passion for my faith in Christ alone. Her sermon was what I needed to hear.
If I was living in NYC, I think I might just be tempted to commit to Hillsong, minus the standing part. It actually gets spiritually tiresome going to a different church each week as you don't follow up on related sermons, can't build relationships with those you meet, and it makes church seem more like an attraction than a house and family you are committing to-even if temporary.
I have a prayer request, please send a prayer my way to be able to figure out a church to call home during my remaining time here and to always, always focus on our almighty Savior. There are too many distractions living in a big city and with a heavy secular spirit here, prayer is what I can turn to to fuel my light.
This past week, I have been digging a pessimistic hole for myself. I didn't really notice it until I reflected back and shared with a friend, but I must say I was pretty bitter and unhappy about quite a few things. I guess with every experience there are its ups and downs, but I came to realize that my unhappiness stemmed from a lack of spiritual support and fellowship. I do miss my home church, my SICs, and the joy of a consistent fellowship. I admit that one huge downside to being somewhat of a jet-setter is that you miss out on what's going on at home, thus when you return, you find yourself having to catch up on all that went on as to be "in" on everyone's lives again.
Since coming to NYC, I've been unintentionally church hopping every week. I haven't gone to the same church twice in a row yet. One reason being is that there were quite a few churches I wanted to check out thanks to recommendations, but also because my fellow roomie and friend is still trying to find a church she can call a permanent home. With any big cities, there are multiple mega churches, but also many smaller congregations that remind me of my church back home. Before this Sunday, I've been going to more traditional and somewhat conservative churches, and I realized how much I missed an upbeat worship service.
Today was the other extreme. I went to Hillsong, the well known Australian worship band and church that has expanded to the Big Apple. Famous enough for those in the christian world to recognize their name, I knew I had to go upon finding out about their existence and the fact that there would definitely be upbeat music. Upon my arrival, I couldn't believe I was heading into a church. It was a dark building with only red spotlights and we were told to stand in the back downstairs or find seats upstairs (there are five services every Sunday, but people line up early to get a seat each service). It felt like I was entering a YC concert event back in my younger teenage days, but also into a place far from what could be considered a church, and I was right, this place was a club rented out. I think their approach is neat as it reaches out to a huge student population (close to NYU campus) and young adult demographic, and it surely does attract people from all places, ages, races and backgrounds to come and check out how "cool" church can be. Hip enough to grab attention, and grounded enough to maintain followers, I was excited to be there, yet questioned if I was at a tourist attraction than a place of worship due to Hillsong's hype and popularity.
Shortly, my concerns were clarified and answered by the pastor who welcomed everyone. First stating bluntly that "Coming to a church doesn't make you a Christian just like going to Krispy Creme doesn't make you a donut," it probably convicted some intentions of their presence. He was an engaging and hilarious speaker, and had an approachable and attention grabbing manner to convict, yet state the truth about being a Christian and putting the focus on God during worship (might I add that he has an awesome Australian accent). Worship did feel like a YC concert, but the loud volume and high energy drew my senses to focus on the lyrics and reminded me of who I am and who He is. The actual preacher was an African American by the name of Priscilla. She is an anointed and knowledgeable woman of God making me boldly vouch that she spoke life into each person there standing or sitting, young or old, married or single, female or male. For me, the holy spirit was using her to break down walls of ugly feelings and emotions in my heart and mind that have accumulated lately, while inflaming a renewed passion for my faith in Christ alone. Her sermon was what I needed to hear.
If I was living in NYC, I think I might just be tempted to commit to Hillsong, minus the standing part. It actually gets spiritually tiresome going to a different church each week as you don't follow up on related sermons, can't build relationships with those you meet, and it makes church seem more like an attraction than a house and family you are committing to-even if temporary.
I have a prayer request, please send a prayer my way to be able to figure out a church to call home during my remaining time here and to always, always focus on our almighty Savior. There are too many distractions living in a big city and with a heavy secular spirit here, prayer is what I can turn to to fuel my light.
Saturday, June 22, 2013
Roommate Culture
I sleep in the living room on an airbed, next to a nice, big window view... of buildings. I guess that was a given living in an apartment on the 27th floor of central NYC. Though the view isn't anything to boast about or glamorous in any aspect, I've been thankful each day waking up, and every night as I lie awake before heading to bed.
I know the stars didn't align for me to come and live here. Beyond my own plannings and preparations for this coming internship, I've come to realize how much God had set up behind the scenes for me. I'm so bless to know 2/3 roomies before my arrival and to be connected to the last one thanks to these relationships. Like a domino effect, one event led to another, and from being introduced by one roomie to this accommodation option that is own by another roomie back in March, to helping another roomie whose in my program to find a place to stay and happens to cross paths with me time and time again, we are all happily living together now.
It may sound confusing and crazy how everything started out as it did, but at times I am still caught up in disbelief that I am residing in the heart of NYC. I feel so spoiled by the convenience of my accommodations and the generosity of my roommates. Though personal space is limited and being mindful and forgiving of individual habits are typical roommate situations to be conscious of, I'm so glad that not only do we just "live" together because of our circumstances, but we go beyond to cook, clean and care for each other as well. I know this roommate culture we've established is temporary, but it makes me feel capable of moving out and living with a few close friends when I return. As with anything, there are a few downsides, such as the obvious single washroom situation. With four females, its a given that we should be conscious of how much time we individually maintain personal hygiene. From observation, our schedules haven't been clashing with one another, but with 3/4 of us getting up early to head out for our internships starting Monday, it may take an earlier alarm or two for us to be ready on time. However, I believe that that will be a minor issue for us as we are all mature grown ups.
Unlike living in dorms during my exchange (which was a comfortable, but unfavorable experience due to the lack of cooking and cleaning convenience), or in a community house during my Urban Promise days (I enjoyed the fellowship, but felt like the designated house duties and busyness of the place kept me from expressing my own routines), I'm truly enjoying this period of living in close quarters and being challenged on a personal level of what it means to show respect and demonstrate responsibilities of being a fellow roommate, without sacrificing my routine and living comfort.
Here's to the next six weeks, Roomies.
I know the stars didn't align for me to come and live here. Beyond my own plannings and preparations for this coming internship, I've come to realize how much God had set up behind the scenes for me. I'm so bless to know 2/3 roomies before my arrival and to be connected to the last one thanks to these relationships. Like a domino effect, one event led to another, and from being introduced by one roomie to this accommodation option that is own by another roomie back in March, to helping another roomie whose in my program to find a place to stay and happens to cross paths with me time and time again, we are all happily living together now.
It may sound confusing and crazy how everything started out as it did, but at times I am still caught up in disbelief that I am residing in the heart of NYC. I feel so spoiled by the convenience of my accommodations and the generosity of my roommates. Though personal space is limited and being mindful and forgiving of individual habits are typical roommate situations to be conscious of, I'm so glad that not only do we just "live" together because of our circumstances, but we go beyond to cook, clean and care for each other as well. I know this roommate culture we've established is temporary, but it makes me feel capable of moving out and living with a few close friends when I return. As with anything, there are a few downsides, such as the obvious single washroom situation. With four females, its a given that we should be conscious of how much time we individually maintain personal hygiene. From observation, our schedules haven't been clashing with one another, but with 3/4 of us getting up early to head out for our internships starting Monday, it may take an earlier alarm or two for us to be ready on time. However, I believe that that will be a minor issue for us as we are all mature grown ups.
Unlike living in dorms during my exchange (which was a comfortable, but unfavorable experience due to the lack of cooking and cleaning convenience), or in a community house during my Urban Promise days (I enjoyed the fellowship, but felt like the designated house duties and busyness of the place kept me from expressing my own routines), I'm truly enjoying this period of living in close quarters and being challenged on a personal level of what it means to show respect and demonstrate responsibilities of being a fellow roommate, without sacrificing my routine and living comfort.
Here's to the next six weeks, Roomies.
Monday, June 17, 2013
A Special Grace
I just feel like reflecting on these past 7 weeks right now. The first 3 were pretty slow and steady and I would make a mental note of what I accomplished each day. Then, after the Victoria long weekend and the return of my grandma from her three months vacation ( you can read all about it here), days turned into weeks, and weeks into me flying out tomorrow. I can't stress how one's busyness just seems to snatch time away from one's grasp.
From flashmob surprises, to birthday plannings, to gatherings, to a special wedding (CONGRATS Kau & Dau xP), to farewells, to now, I can't believe I'm flying out tomorrow! First flight of the year and I actually didn't want to go due to such precious memories noted in my last blog post. All the while, I've been so occupied to remain silent and submerse into God's presence. This past Sunday's sermon truly reminded me of why its so important to "be still and know that [He is] God" -Psalms 46:10. I have an issue with doing nothing and not filling up my schedule, and I know there is much to be learned in this department of spiritual growth. Its no wonder that God tells us to honor the Sabbath and make our time His, the creator of Heaven and Earth who works outside of our time. Its actually so much harder than we think to "rest" and be at peace with His presence.
These next few weeks will be filled with educational learnings, professional growth, reunions and fresh experiences, but I want to re-re-commit myself to spiritual maturity as well. Re-establishing quality quiet time, seeking God in the little and grand scheme of things, being bold in sharing my faith to new people and places, and letting Him direct where I should be, rather than deciding that for myself.
The more you grow, the more you realize you just don't know, but God's grace has been so good from finishing school until now. He's granted prayers, selfish wants, and forgiven me again and again of my failures and sins. Dang God is good. Where would I be without faith?
That, ladies and gentlemen, is a very good question. Ponder on that for a more than a mere moment while you remain still and take in His holiness.
From flashmob surprises, to birthday plannings, to gatherings, to a special wedding (CONGRATS Kau & Dau xP), to farewells, to now, I can't believe I'm flying out tomorrow! First flight of the year and I actually didn't want to go due to such precious memories noted in my last blog post. All the while, I've been so occupied to remain silent and submerse into God's presence. This past Sunday's sermon truly reminded me of why its so important to "be still and know that [He is] God" -Psalms 46:10. I have an issue with doing nothing and not filling up my schedule, and I know there is much to be learned in this department of spiritual growth. Its no wonder that God tells us to honor the Sabbath and make our time His, the creator of Heaven and Earth who works outside of our time. Its actually so much harder than we think to "rest" and be at peace with His presence.
These next few weeks will be filled with educational learnings, professional growth, reunions and fresh experiences, but I want to re-re-commit myself to spiritual maturity as well. Re-establishing quality quiet time, seeking God in the little and grand scheme of things, being bold in sharing my faith to new people and places, and letting Him direct where I should be, rather than deciding that for myself.
The more you grow, the more you realize you just don't know, but God's grace has been so good from finishing school until now. He's granted prayers, selfish wants, and forgiven me again and again of my failures and sins. Dang God is good. Where would I be without faith?
That, ladies and gentlemen, is a very good question. Ponder on that for a more than a mere moment while you remain still and take in His holiness.
Monday, June 10, 2013
Drugged on Fellowship
I'm not even joking.
Since a dinner get together at a fellow brother's house two Fridays ago, I've been on a fellowship high. I'm just so drawn to be around people, converse, laugh, share, eat-whatever it may be. I feel like as extroverted as I can be sometimes, I feel that this is beyond it. I just love spending time with my brothers and sisters and I can't seem to get enough of it!
I'm on overdose!
Call me crazy (which you may have).. "happy crazy," "Sarah's happy hour," "after 8 syndrome," and the list goes on. But honestly, I love you all and I find myself bonding and getting closer with people I don't usually talk to as much too. It's amazing and I love how our common denominator of faith is the glue holding us strong!
I was reflecting earlier on how I would pray, rant, share about the lack of unity in church or groups of people in the past, but to even just visually skim what has happened these past few months is quite extraordinary. I believe this is only the beginning of so much more hang outs, gatherings, joyous celebrations, and informal chillings.
I even felt like not wanting to go to NYC for my fashion internship anymore. How bizarre is that? I use to jump on any opportunity to get out of Deadmonton (and still would), but wow I can't even grasp this side of me right now. With a week to go, I have my reservations and some expectations, but all I care for right now is to invest as much of me as I can into my friendships and dear sic relationships.
I'm out of control and I'm just craving for more.
Fellowship time anyone?!
Let's pop some fellowship pills!
Since a dinner get together at a fellow brother's house two Fridays ago, I've been on a fellowship high. I'm just so drawn to be around people, converse, laugh, share, eat-whatever it may be. I feel like as extroverted as I can be sometimes, I feel that this is beyond it. I just love spending time with my brothers and sisters and I can't seem to get enough of it!
I'm on overdose!
Call me crazy (which you may have).. "happy crazy," "Sarah's happy hour," "after 8 syndrome," and the list goes on. But honestly, I love you all and I find myself bonding and getting closer with people I don't usually talk to as much too. It's amazing and I love how our common denominator of faith is the glue holding us strong!
I was reflecting earlier on how I would pray, rant, share about the lack of unity in church or groups of people in the past, but to even just visually skim what has happened these past few months is quite extraordinary. I believe this is only the beginning of so much more hang outs, gatherings, joyous celebrations, and informal chillings.
I even felt like not wanting to go to NYC for my fashion internship anymore. How bizarre is that? I use to jump on any opportunity to get out of Deadmonton (and still would), but wow I can't even grasp this side of me right now. With a week to go, I have my reservations and some expectations, but all I care for right now is to invest as much of me as I can into my friendships and dear sic relationships.
I'm out of control and I'm just craving for more.
Fellowship time anyone?!
Let's pop some fellowship pills!
Saturday, June 1, 2013
Mourning of Distance
Yesterday I had a fun night of laughter, fellowship, and delicious eats. One probably couldn't even tell that a "close" death had been made known to me earlier on that day. Personally, if particular circumstances or events don't affect the course of your day, your mood, or even what you focus on, than it shouldn't be of any significance right?
Well this was the death of my mom's dad, so my grandpa. The interesting matter about this death is that, for the life of me (literally), I've probably only seen him 5-6 times if anything? Each of these times wouldn't be long either as he resided in Hong Kong. With any family overseas, there tends to be distant separated my time zones, borders, culture, and lack of intimate communication, but the major reason why I've never felt my grandpa was close was because he wasn't close to my mom, in fact, none of my mom's side.
To keep ancient history short, basically my grandma never married my grandpa because when they were dating, his family had arranged him to marry a wealthier lady back in the day. However, he still came back to see my grandma and ended up having four children with her; respectively my mom and her older siblings (but he never cared for them). Can you see how asian-family-drama-esque this is sounding? Another interesting fact is that apparently to this day, his legally married wife and family tree doesn't know that our side of the family exists. It still intrigues me how we got the memo of his death if no one on his side of the family knows us... or so I thought.
When I was first texted the date and occurrence of the incident by one of my brothers, I was clueless and thought he meant the death anniversary of the husband of my grandma I live with who had died before I was born. It didn't make sense to me as I felt that was a very random text and it didn't answer the initial question I had posed to him, but that's a different story. Later in the day, when I saw my mom, she had told me that grandpa had died, and I honestly just brushed it off, but at the same time I felt like everything had made sense now, at least my brother's text did. Yet, I didn't feel anything, even though he died of old age, I didn't feel sad, or unfortunate, and I have not shed a single tear.
I'm making myself sound brutally cold hearted, but how is one to react to a death that is so distant? Physically and psychologically? Its as if this was a death I read in the paper, except I actually feel somewhat bitter and angry towards those innocent victims' murderers. Its a very odd scenario now that I ponder on it, and very weird when I think that my mom won't be going to her dad's funeral.
Well this was the death of my mom's dad, so my grandpa. The interesting matter about this death is that, for the life of me (literally), I've probably only seen him 5-6 times if anything? Each of these times wouldn't be long either as he resided in Hong Kong. With any family overseas, there tends to be distant separated my time zones, borders, culture, and lack of intimate communication, but the major reason why I've never felt my grandpa was close was because he wasn't close to my mom, in fact, none of my mom's side.
To keep ancient history short, basically my grandma never married my grandpa because when they were dating, his family had arranged him to marry a wealthier lady back in the day. However, he still came back to see my grandma and ended up having four children with her; respectively my mom and her older siblings (but he never cared for them). Can you see how asian-family-drama-esque this is sounding? Another interesting fact is that apparently to this day, his legally married wife and family tree doesn't know that our side of the family exists. It still intrigues me how we got the memo of his death if no one on his side of the family knows us... or so I thought.
When I was first texted the date and occurrence of the incident by one of my brothers, I was clueless and thought he meant the death anniversary of the husband of my grandma I live with who had died before I was born. It didn't make sense to me as I felt that was a very random text and it didn't answer the initial question I had posed to him, but that's a different story. Later in the day, when I saw my mom, she had told me that grandpa had died, and I honestly just brushed it off, but at the same time I felt like everything had made sense now, at least my brother's text did. Yet, I didn't feel anything, even though he died of old age, I didn't feel sad, or unfortunate, and I have not shed a single tear.
I'm making myself sound brutally cold hearted, but how is one to react to a death that is so distant? Physically and psychologically? Its as if this was a death I read in the paper, except I actually feel somewhat bitter and angry towards those innocent victims' murderers. Its a very odd scenario now that I ponder on it, and very weird when I think that my mom won't be going to her dad's funeral.
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