Today marks a day short of my car accident two years ago on January 16, 2010. Last year, I had made note of it as a remembrance day, so if the you thought that post was short on detail, now you know.
Reflecting on that accident, I felt it was a preventable one, but only because it had occurred. If it hadn't occur, I probably would've never learned my lesson, nor would I acknowledge God's plans down the road for me. Last Saturday, I was just recalling that incident and realizing how close I was to be accident-free for two years now (if nothing else, my insurance would be happy). That night I also went to junior high fellowship and we had a spontaneous night of literally "breaking the ice" in the parking lot, setting up a fire pit, and burning/eating marshmallows. I also slipped quite frequently despite the teens salting the ice... and feeling like my toes were about to ice off (for that I blame my poor circulation and wearing keds and not proper footwear). Otherwise it was a pretty good night and I had a pleasant time fellowshipping with the youth.
On my way home, I made a quick stop to my friend's house to drop off the sewing machine she had lent me since mine was giving me difficulties (during the times I needed it most, but that's another story). As I was reversing the car out of the driveway, I checked my side and rear view mirrors as usual and started reversing. I was backing out of her drive way much more than needed as the street was wide and I didn't see any cars coming. Reversing, reversing, reversing, and BAM!, my mind totally screamed 'NOT AGAIN', quickly switch gears back to drive, that car's alarm went off outrageously loud, and I parked in front of it on the street. I saw my friend come out of her house and every cell in my body was freaking out.
What if I hit and run? (To be honest, the devil just kept tempting me)
Why am I standing here.. why don't I just leave?
Why didn't I see this car? (Why had I reverse so much?)
How did it happen?
Blame the darkness? (Why didn't I see it?!!!?!)
Blame the icy street? (should've been more careful as I had slipped earlier)
Oh no..my insurance! ..
PARENTS!
What next... What now... I'm never driving again..
I suck. WHY WHY WHY
So... sensibly, I remained calm and discussed it with my friend. There was no one around (though I was pretty sure the neighbors all heard the alarm and may have peaked out of their window to see what was going on),the alarm had turned off after two minutes or so and my head was not clear at all. I just felt so miserable, like come on... I was so close to having a clean record of two years and now this.. WHY GOD WHY?!?! WHAT in the world are you trying to teach or show me? AND WHY NOW? Why less than a month before I leave? There goes my savings for Korea =(. What was I going to do?
Fast forward, I left for home without writing a note or anything, the damage was quite severe though: front left bumper dented, scratched and light broken. My van only had minor damage on the back right bumper. I didn't tell anyone, but the guilt was unbearable. I called my friend when I got home, and automatically, the sensible spell had broken, and the emotional side was erupting. I was crying and scenes from my first accident was reappearing and rewinding in my head. The guilt kept building, and though I knew I could probably get away without doing anything-I didn't. I told my friend over the phone to write a note with an apology, my number and name on it. That felt better, but I was very unsettled about the issue. I had prayed with my friend and I knew she would be praying for me as I was praying for forgiveness myself that night. I think the fear of the consequences was holding me back all weekend, and I'm sure some of you had sensed it last Sunday. I decided that I wouldn't say anything about it until the mysterious party called back.
If I had thought being honest was tough, waiting for a response was gradually tearing me apart. That whole night and Sunday, I kept jumping to conclusions and wondering if the other party had read my note yet. Why hadn't they call? It was utterly painful waiting, and I was about to blow with all these unanswered questions. The devil really had his fingers wrapped around me too, I just felt so depressed about the whole situation and I had no self esteem at all. I wanted pity, I wanted assurance, I wanted an answer from God and a call back, but at the same time, I didn't. I didn't want to face the consequences, I didn't want to be responsible, and I didn't want to deal with any of it at all. I had really wish I could rewind time or pretend it was just a bad nightmare.
After service that Sunday, my parents picked my brothers and I up, and as my dad tends to walk around the car before he drives everytime...crap!, before I even sat my butt down, the first question when we got into the car was, "Did one of you get hit by a car or did you guys hit a car? The bumper is broken." I knew then I couldn't lie, I had to let my parents what had happened. Surprisingly, they didn't take it as bad as I thought they would, and the only thing we could all do now was wait it out.
All afternoon, I religiously checked my phone and there was no message or missed calls. I went to fellowship for jeopardy, but I couldn't concentrate, my mind was obviously else where. Finally, half way through the game, I checked my phone and there was a missed call, I called my voice mail and hesitantly called back the soft, heavy-accented, Asian, middle age, male voice from the message. I be lying if I said I wasn't scared, I was just bounded by so much fear of what was to come. Our conversation was another shocker, I carried it better than I thought and the other party on the line was very understanding and caring about it. I told him of an auto body shop he could take his car to and that we would pay for all the damages. It didn't occur to me to mention about the insurance part, but my happiness was cut short when he brought it up. Unexpectedly, my happiness soared again because he had read my mind and assumed that I probably didn't want to contact insurance or else it would stay on my record for ten years. PRAISE THE LORD.
I'm still bitter at myself and I'm not exactly sure how God's work will kick in this time, but I have acknowledged all the support I have from family and friends and for that, I'm grateful.
Honesty is definitely the Best Policy
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