Leaving it all Behind

First off, Happy Birthday to myself!

Not to be boastful or anything, but I feel one can truly get away with much and just be as selfish as they choose to be on their birthday. I feel I got lots accomplished today, perhaps it was doing everything I wanted to do on my own for the most part, but I feel bless in knowing I will be entering a new phase of my life.

I never not look forward to my birthday, I believe every individual's birthday is special and worth a celebration, even a small one. It only comes once a year and is also a great time marker to reflect on one's accomplishments, one's highs and lows, one's growth, one's opportunities and even failures.

A few days ago, I was sitting in my room, staring at my room, the things on my walls, my decor, my bedding, and how it didn't reflect who I am nor turning twenty-three. I realize the last time I decorated my room and put the effort into putting my identity into it was grade six/seven, how embarrassing. Hence the scholastic posters of puppies, chains of handmade cranes, stuff animals on the floor, on my bed, in my closet, and the multitude of Pikachu stickers on my cabinet. I don't know where this surge of inspiration and motivation came from, but the next thing you know I started stripping off these posters, ripped off all the stickers (had to use my nail to scratch off the remaining residue remaining over these years), and un-taped everything I had stuck to my walls (dang, tape was definitely higher quality in the past-this clear tape lasted almost a decade!).

And you know what? I thoroughly felt SO MUCH JOY from doing so! I questioned why I hadn't done so earlier and now I can't wait to fund my new decor and wants for my room.

Perhaps it's the realization that I will be situated in Edmonton that makes me want to dress up my room to suit me more, as I have put this off for as long as I can remember with the hope that I would be leaving. No details yet, but I am close to being at full peace with this decision that God has presented and in the plans He has for me this coming year. It will be different not being committed to school anymore, but change always has trans-formative powers and I just need to constantly remind myself that  God's plans are always good and that He sure knows better than I do. Actually, I am really excited to enter the work force if you can call it that, it will be a directional start at the very least.

I am also in full throttle in living out my identity, dreaming of plans, starting new beginnings, and holding high hopes for this coming year. I am totally refueled and ready to take on this coming 2014-2015. It's going to be a glorious one. I can't wait to get started and see what comes out in a year's time.

Here's to my one, two-three!

A New Start

August is here. I can't believe it. But I love it.

With my post over a month ago, this one will have to sandwich everything in between that went down in July. To be honest, July was quite a hard month for me, and not a very productive one so to speak. Or maybe I just had set some high expectations for myself, but it didn't get on a very high note. Sometimes I wish I could rewind and have structured everything better, but here it goes.

Returning from such a perspective-changing trip and confidence spurring adventure made coming home a concrete smack in the face. It did take some adjustment just to s t o p and refrain my mind from jumping back into the wonderment of my travels and daydreaming what life would be like there then here. I always seek and discover so much growth away from home, and I truly treasure those memories until I have new moments to grasp onto. So I can't gravitate how difficult it was to be back. Not only back, but bored, uncertain, and perhaps even constantly feeling like I don't know where I am going in life.

Job hunting has been an eye sore-literally. Staring at the screen, fixing up my resume, targeting cover letters, reading company profiles, filtering job descriptions and typing up what was supposedly to make myself sound like an ideal candidate became repetitive and dry. It's definitely been a waiting game, and it still is. The thing I ideally thought would happen was that God would deliver favour to my application process in where I think He wanted me to work. I didn't expect it to be quick, but I was hopeful that something 'perfect' was bound to come up sooner or later. I had such clarity and revelation when traveling that I really wanted to go into fashion production, but reality is, with anything fashion, it's unquestionably hard to get your foot in the door as advancement is usually internal. So factoring that in mind I started applying aimlessly, focusing more on the aspect of getting a job than what I wanted to do, even if it was a few steps farther from this initial ideal.

So I guess you can say I got burnt out and quite pessimistic about the prospect of being employed. Maybe I was too set on finding a job ASAP or my expectations are not matching up to what God has in store, but unemployment is not fun at all. I feel I could be doing so much more with all this time I had, instead of constantly being on my laptop. Though I'm holding on to faith that something better will come my way. I gave myself until the end of July to actively look at options in Edmonton (yes, all my desired options so far have been out of town) since staying in Edmonton has never been my first choice, but due to the lack of responses, I'm opted to do so now.

On the highs of this month, I did get to catch up with many friends I haven't had the opportunity to spend time with in a while. I guess I should cherish this unemployed phase more as once I am hired, I probably won't have this luxury as often. Being able to have a seasonal job as a wedding planner assistant has also been a blessing as you wouldn't believe how much joy I have from seeing people get married and all the insight I have to gain from working behind the scenes. And I guess indulging in the festivities of YEG is a noteworthy one since this is my first summer back in two years. So July wasn't all that of a downer, but I aim and hope to make August a new start.

A new start to job hunting, a new start in my perspective on things, a new motivation, and mostly a new month to look forward to as it's also my birthday month! Beyond all this, there's just something so special about August to me. In the past, it be the turning point where I start the dreadful countdown to when school will have to begin again, but this year will be quite different. It's a turning mark to nothing as I don't know what will happen come September. Though, I am holding out for something awestruck and awesome because I know God knows so much better than me.

Cheers, July.

Let's pray harder

Sunny Glorious Summer Camp

When did summer camp feel so short? Or was so short? Or perhaps it was always this short, just that I had such a blast I totally forgot how short it did feel.

The last time I went to summer camp was four years ago in 2010. It feels like such a long time coming and especially since being on committee this time around, it made this summer camp feel especially short, but extra special. I was actually asked to be on the summer camp committee quite late, and thus was the last member to join the fabulous team of six we have in total. Despite initial logistics of not being in town, I'm glad that I was able to serve and pray from afar for the committee and do what I can to contribute when I was physically present.

Summer camp felt especially short for me because I felt like I was almost always doing something (even if it was resting), which tends to make time go by. I was one of the firsts to be there, and one of the lasts to go, which gave me a perspective of all things behind the scenes. I appreciated all the work it takes to put a camp like this together and all the people I got to see and meet throughout this event. I truly am thankful and in honor of every helping hand that made this summer camp a remarkable one. Not only was it our bi-annual summer camp, it was also one that marked our 30th anniversary, which is very endearing to the growth of NEAC.

For me on a personal level, it was a great way to kick off being back in Edmonton, catching up with friendships, meeting new ones, and bonding with old and new. Sometimes I wish summer camp was a a day or two longer so I could continue that conversation I had, start a conversation I wanted to, or got to spend more time with this or that person. The 2 nights and barely 3 days felt like a whirlwind of settling in, moving from one session to another, and finally, packing our bags again. Yet, even with such a quick lineup of scheduling, it felt Deep. Impacting. Spiritual. and one that I would go to again and again.

I'm exciting and in high anticipation for what's to extend from this weekend and more. Thirty years of glory, thirty years of growth, thirty years of highs and lows doesn't stop now. I know God's plans for each and every one of us only goes from glory to glory, especially for a place I can always call my home church. From conceptualizing the idea of being propelled forward and not living stagnant lives into a theme, to hearing it preach as a lifestyle to live by, there is such action attached with "Striving Beyond" that needs to be taken to live it out.

In previous years, I haven't been in town for two consecutive summers, so I'm definitely looking forward to what this coming one has to show and teach me. I feel change is looming heavily these next few weeks, but I know it's only for the better.


See, I am doing a new thing...-Isaiah 43:19

Lost in Time

It's very easy to get lost in time when travelling. Days becomes weeks, dates become blur, days of the weeks are forgotten, and for the most part, you are not bounded by the measure of time. It's actually really nice to be freed from schedules, time restraints, and limits of a manmade clock. Though, such a utopia sense of life always ends with some sadness when a trip of mine comes to a close. Which brings me to this same feeling again upon reflection and going over what I've accomplished in hindsight. When looking back on my itinerary as a whole, I couldn't believe what was suppose to be a six ish week trip turned to an eleven week one, from an original intent of a month and a half, to now two and three quarters of a month. One thing led to another and the more I think about all that has happened, I can't help but think God had foresaw a much bigger purpose and intent for the length of this trip than I could've ever imagined.

I'm already missing the anticipation and excitement I had when starting this trip. All the nights spent researching my itinerary, reading travel blogs and wishing I was already there, budgeting expenditures, figuring out logistics, making bookings, and the list goes on. I feel there isn't anything  of "hype" to look forward to now that all my investment of going on this trip has wrapped up (well maybe except for summer camp this weekend-stoked!). Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't change what I have done, but there's this tinge of desire that I wish my travels could continue and go on. But I know there is a season for everything, and for now, my season of traveling is completed and in another perspective, my journey of traveling isn't completely finished as I know I will be sharing frequently about my trip as I rekindle and catch up with friends back home. Along with a compilation of constant thoughts back to then and an application of all that God has taught me and orchestrated behind the scenes, I'm sure much more fruit will be revealed in the days to come.

This sounds bizarre, but I feel like a different person coming out of these eleven weeks. It's cliche and true when one says that you "find yourself" traveling or that you learn things during a trip that you would never learn not traveling. I had one person tell me that he has made the greatest connections and networks with people he would have never had if he didn't travel-some better than networking in a school or work setting, which I can agree on through first hand experience. I've seen and met people of diverse interests and places, realized the opportunities that reside outside of my North American bubble, and dreamed of things I never thought possible. Traveling has inspired me, nurtured me, enlightened me, and definitely has spoken to me. My petition before and during this trip has brought forth an answer of prayers, divine appointments, and blessings upon showers of immeasurable blessings. I feel refreshed from my prior dry routine, renewed without the distractions of home, and reestablished in who I am and what I want to do.

God has truly changed me and given me new eyes from here on. Of course there are uncertainties which leads to worries and fears that grip hold of me on occasion, but I am reminded that my focus and concern should be to please Him first and foremost knowing that He is the one who holds my future in the palm of His hands. I admit that I never want to go home after my travel adventures (in fact, I rarely miss home or get homesick), but this time, I am very content with all that I am arriving back to Edmonton with. It's been a long time coming (or so it feels like it) and I am ready to unload  my bags-physical ones or not.


Awakening

Submission

Never have I ever been so submissive and learnt submission the hard way. I'm not going to beat around the bush as I know how driven and hard headed I can be when I want my way, but it can also lead me to being quite rebellious in nature and defying others just so I can prove to them that I am able to accomplish what they think I can't. There's also a competitive spirit in me that plays into this, but that sharing will be for another time. Being driven can be highly productive and positive, but it can also take me to places for the wrong reasons and bring forth selfish desires as with this case that blinds me from the bigger picture.

So to summarize a bit, my two friends and I had had plans to go to Thailand and one main reason was to visit our sponsor child on behalf of the nine of us that sponsored her from church starting this past January of 2014. As aware as I was of the political situation these past few months from planning my Southeast Asia trip to being in Asia, I was set on going to Thailand regardless of the circumstances as it wasn't all that serious, or so I thought...until recently. All the planning, time, resources and accommodating measures made would've been such a waste if we (or more like I) were to not go. Also, having had the experiences I've had in travelling alone and hearing stories one only hears of abroad, I know the news only showcases the worst pictorials on national television and only depicts one side of a story. I understand of course that if safety wasn't an issue then it wouldn't be on the news, but I was still set on going despite my knowledge of all this. I wasn't being ignorant of the political unrest, military coup or anything, but inquiring local connections in Bangkok proved to me that I was able to travel there despite the present circumstances as they told me everything else is still fine and Thailand is just as safe as any other SEA country. I know that God is bigger than my fears and ultimately, I just wasn't at all scared to go with His strength behind and before me. Yet, my only hesitant was going at the cost of my parentals, friends and leaders' worries and wishes and perhaps I was challenging God?

Also, this trip was not a me-Miss-Sarah-solo-female-take-on-the-world trip so I would be very selfish if I still persisted in going even if my friends had decided not to. This past week there was not a spare moment where I didn't ponder on this thought battle of mine and I felt it sucked a part of my joy from me as well as intimacy in my friendships. I really really realllllly REALLY wanted to go to Thailand and though the political reality is out there, a part of me became apathetic about it. I had so many questions about why it  was so hard to make this decision and if I wasn't to go, a plan B or some alternative would have had to be made ASAP. The clock was ticking and I despised feeling such pressure to submit even though I didn't feel the need or wanted to. It was as if people were praying for a change of heart for me and I myself was also asking God to reveal to me what the outcome of this was to be creating this constant tension in my mind and heart where I was in this repetitive debate.

At the very least, I was reminded that there was no better reason to not go than to honor my parents, but not only them but also the leaders I confided in. So sucking up my ego, my desires, my selfishness, and lack of judgement I may or may not have had, I submitted as hard as it was. To be honest,  I still think I would make it out alive in Thailand and have the faith that it still be a good trip, but I think I would've also spent a lot of I time thinking about what my family and friends would be thinking back home and wouldn't have had the excitement and anticipation I had at the start when planning for this trip. Submitting sucks, submission is hard, and I'm still constantly reminding myself to be at peace with the decision only divine hands could've interfered with, but I'm also learning and growing into who God wants me to be.

Wow I feel I've been so immature in my thinking and acting just writing all of this right now. I wanted my way so bad that I forgot of how great our God is and that even if this door closes, another one in his timing will open-perhaps even better than I could ever imagine. In another perspective, it also confirms how strongly I feel that there's a more significant reason of why I'm to be in Seoul for so long and in what He's going to reveal to me. To be honest, in hindsight I see a handful of scenarios that actually had had me reroute the Thailand leg of my trip...so maybe it wasn't a matter if I was to go or not, but rather a test from God to submit not just this decision but my-self as well as my peace into his hands.

Here's to...I don't know what. I'm still a tad bitter about the issue, but I'm not letting it hold me back.


Let it go.

Hospitable You

I left Singapore astounded at how much God provided, blessed, and opened my eyes to. I realized how much He had prepared in advance for me and how much I don't deserve, yet am freely given. Since praying for this trip back in September, I'm noting how much has already been answered and I don't doubt what God can do and will answer in the days, weeks, and months to come.

Hospitality really stood out for me in Singapore. Friendly city, western style of living, and most of all, hospitable people. I knew Singapore would be comfortable for me from the start as it's not only an technologically advanced country, but I have an exchange friend there, so having a break from hostels and self introductions would be nice after going for an extended amount of time doing so. What was unexpected was being treated so well and catered to by the like of so many others.

Upon arrival, my friend's boyfriend drove to the airport to pick me up and treated me to my very first Singaporean dinner. He basically treated me a lot throughout the whole time I was in Singapore and wouldn't let me pay him back and the same goes for others as well. As wonderful as it was, this made me feel bad and in an awkward position in not knowing how to return all of their kind gestures, but to tell them they must come to Canada one day so I can treat them back.

Knowing I wanted to spend Easter in Singapore, I got to meet my friend's small group and I never felt more welcomed or so loved either. Her leader had asked if it was okay to take me out for dinner despite his busy schedule as a church leader, young father and having a full time job. Yet another small group member kindly gave me a tour of the city after church, while others joined to keep me company as my friend had to study for her final paper that day. I'm literally a stranger to them so initially I felt this was very strange because their  kindness was above and beyond even the expected welcoming etiquette. At the same time though, it felt so awesome to be treated this way, not only as my friend's friend, but as a guest and like their own friend as well.

It's also such a tremendous blessing as initially I had budgeted more for Singapore knowing it had a higher cost to it compared to other Southeast Asian countries. Ironically it turns out I became under budget due to all these unexpected gestures of kindness.

I really came to appreciate not only the acts but the people as well. I even asked one person if they treat new people often and why, in which they replied in agreement because it makes that new comer feel welcomed, and I couldn't concur more. It's not like my friend or any of them are generous because they have plenty to spare, in fact, my friend and her boyfriend are actually going on a grad trip to Europe soon so I didn't want nor expect them to pay for me as I know the need to save when planning for an extended holiday. However, my time in Singapore retaught me the importance of being generous, doing good deeds, and how wonderfully significant treating someone is. I feel the whole 'Going Dutch' (paying separately) style of paying in the western world has water downed down the want to pay for someone else, let alone someone you barely know. It also made me rethink my perspective on how many people including myself use the excuse "I'm broke" to opt out of doing something or going out when we literally aren't just to save money.

I also find it interesting how giving and being generous can create a domino effect. Just think of the buzz of people who pay for the order behind them in a Tim Horton's drive thru or positive messages left randomly on campus, or those heard of that tip an extraordinary amount to help that waiter or waitress pay for their bills/tuition. There's definitely good in the world, but it shouldn't be just a trend or phase people go through, rather a lifestyle as I've experienced.

Thank You so much Singapore! 

On Beauty

This is going to be one honest post. Not saying my other posts aren't, but there's always something new to be revealed about someone, especially when that someone is yourself.

Since the start of this trip and going as minimalistic as possible, I've  realized what a huge learning experience it has been in the extent of attempting to be as low maintanence as possible. I use to be and still am very focus on outwardedly beauty. I think since becoming an adolescent and being exposed to the world of makeup, magazines, and what the media tells you to look likes makes every teenage girl strive to look good, look pretty, and look beautiful rather be-YOU-tiful. They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but I have come to acknowledge that beauty is in the eye of everyone. You shouldn't be less beautiful just because someone doesn't think you are beautiful and neither should you feel ugly because you don't meet standards that are set by another perspective. How odd is it that how we value our own's worth is base on what others think because it shouldn't be that way.

We've all heard that God made us all in His image, and thus we are all made beautiful and good, but how many of us actually believe that whole heartedly? I know for one, this was hard for me to grasp because I never felt good enough and my outwardly self image of myself definitely impacted my confidence and who I am on the inside. I've struggled for outwardly attention in the past, place my identity on other things than God's precious daughter not realizing the amount of how time and effort I spend on myself could've be used elsewhere. Now I'm not saying to look like a bum and not care how you look at all (how ironic this is coming from a textile and clothing graduate), but I feel for girls (and guys) it's important to not prioritize it as the end of the world if you're makeup or hair is not perfect.

A while back I posted on my tumbr about this article here. Though it's quite an interesting take on a female traveller's lifestyle, I know the first point really jumped out at me because I would make sure that my hair looks right or that tan lines are out of the question because I would've always had sunscreen on. What's interesting is that now I'm in her shoes, I actually find myself gradually caring less and respectively putting less time into myself. I notice I'm more confident in my looks and I feel traveling has brought forth a stronger character out of me. Maybe it's the epiphany that most travellers don't even bother with looking good or that it's averaging 30C here in SouthEast Asia that what you have on your face will end up melting, but regardless I'm thankful to see the beauty in myself and others through God's eyes and know that what He thinks is above all.